Living a lie

I’m moving house this week so have rushed this post a bit, but I trust in my haste I have not sworn falsely.

The eighth commandment, as found in the old testament of the Bible-

“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.”

As the Catechism of the Catholic Church points out, this teaching is relative and deepened by the teaching of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter five:

“It was said to the men of old, “You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.”

This commandment helps us to respect others by being honest about them and not saying things about them which are not true. In a deeper way it helps us to live in the truth and respect the truth in every way in our lives.

When I was twenty-one I started to try in earnest to live the most honest life I could, and this desire and effort on my part meant looking at myself honestly, including all the parts of me that were false. At twenty-one that was a lot, even physically when I looked in the mirror at the bleach blonde hair and little dress I felt like a complete fraud. 

I could say I was living a lie, in a sense, but it’s not so much that I didn’t know who I was. I wasn’t trying to be something I was not, but I felt incapable of living a good life in accordance with my true self and had become a slave to bad habits and negative lies I believed about life and humanity.

I had been quite introspective as a teenager and had some inherent sense of who I was, but felt restless. Time that wasn’t filled with activity had to be devoted to seeking or smoking drugs. I even consciously acknowledged that I had to get out of my own head so I didn’t have to face what was inside it.

Thank God He used what was to follow to give me the opportunity to change.

I’d say one thing which was fundamental to change was realising that truth is more certain than I thought; I would have thought truth was more open to interpretation than it reasonably can be in reality.

Realising that truth can be certain means that we can discover it, and this inevitably means we also see ourselves in a more realistic light. Which is sometimes difficult or painful, but also leads to a more authentic, honest life.

It is helpful to realise that truth being relative is a logical fallacy, because then the search for truth can be made more confidently. If we think there might be an infinite number of possible realities then we can never have hope of knowing what is certain. The search for truth is then as meaningless as a recreational activity because it is just theoretical speculation, rather than an actual intellectual pursuit.

If truth is relative, then it is a certain truth that truth is relative. So, that in itself means that truth cannot be relative, because it is certainly true and not debatable that truth is relative. It makes no sense.

For much of my life I believed that truth is relative and yet refused to believe anything as being true that did not rely on empirical evidence. How could anything be proved, even empirically, if truth is relative? Nothing could be proved or certainly known.

We can change things about ourselves and the world too, all things are not fixed in stone; we can have different opinions or interpretations of things, but things also are a certain way too, and there are certain truths which we can seek and know.

My search for truth started originally when I was young but got interrupted when my ignorance and loneliness led to feckless hedonism in my mid-teens.

When I stopped hiding and started searching again (at twenty-one) I tried to improve my self-knowledge through introspection but also read things around psychology, history, philosophy, religion etc.

My search for the truth and desire for self-improvement brought me to the Catholic Church and I have a close friendship with Jesus Christ because of what I am willing to suffer to live an authentic, honest life.

I am more similar to how I was aged fifteen than I was in my early twenties. I may have dipped into the Bible at times but between the ages of fifteen and twenty-three I never opened the Bible with a desire to seek the truth. In fact I probably thought I knew better because I had read it before… as though that is proof that it isn’t true.

I said in my first blog post that my search for the truth became seeking a person, Jesus. It is is because I seek Him that I can be myself.

My identity as an Atheist was a false understanding of myself because God exists. It is possible to be an Atheist intellectually if you don’t think God exists; because of the lack of faith that is authentic, but it is always an ego thing because it is certain God exists. Therefore, all Atheists are living a lie, they just believe the lie.

If we don’t know the truth, then we cannot be honest. This is why I need God to be my authentic self, because through my relationship with His son I know the truth and so can be who I truly am.

Jesus gives me courage to be disliked, without disliking myself because of what others think of me. He helps me love people who dislike or mistreat me.

He helps me to love and appreciate others who I think are better than me, and not to feel bad about myself if I feel I am not good enough.

He helps to humble me and see others as better than myself if I wrongly believe I am better than others.

He takes what is good in me and makes it better, He helps me to overcome the things in myself which are not good, which I cannot change by my own efforts.

He helps me to remain faithful to God by avoiding sin and forgiving me when I sin.

Sin is an unpopular word, it upsets people. It upsets people who don’t believe it exists more than it upsets Christians because we know God is love and forgives us for our sins through our relationship with Him and the Sacraments.

Another way we refer to sin is bondage, as in sin is like a trap. We get trapped when we sin, even if we only do it once, but when it is a habit and so much of a habit that it’s like a part of our personality it becomes even more of a trap.

Jesus says:

“I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

I am free through my relationship with truth, Jesus. I can now live an authentic life by following His way, and sharing in His life.

I believed the lies about myself and others for most of my life, that we are not worthy of love. That people are rubbish.

I believed the lie that God doesn’t exist or care about us. That people who believe in God need to because of emotional and intellectual immaturity, or because of strong cultural influences.

I believed the lie that sin doesn’t exist, so I couldn’t be set free from the trap and healed.

I came to know Jesus, even as an unbaptised atheist, firstly by reading the Bible.

“Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

I did not believe the words of the Bible straight away, but I returned to it. I understand much more of the Bible now because of my union with Jesus Christ in prayer and through the sacraments.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

True to His word, fourteen years after I first tried to seek understanding by reading the Bible, I did see that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life.

If I had been baptised as an infant, raised in the faith, received the sacraments etc. then I could have had the faith, hope and love I experience now in my authentic life with Christ, but like so many my parents didn’t have the life themselves to pass on to me.

That is why I am so grateful to God that I have failed and suffered in my life, because if I hadn’t then I would not have needed to seek the truth nor recognised my need to change for the better.

I hope my fellow truth seekers will also be set free by the life that Jesus invites us to share in.

You're more than entitled

In the book of Exodus, chapter twenty, the seventh commandment is:

“You shall not steal”

It is wrong to take what is not ours, and it is an injustice to have something taken from us which rightfully belongs to us.

When I started reading newspapers aged around eleven I was horrified by inequality and poverty and often had deep feelings of guilt about being from a wealthy part of the world. Mum always said I had the guilt of a Catholic. Thank God, I now have the forgiveness to clean up the guilt.

I felt similarly about more abstract privileges, like having a loving family, or access to free healthcare. I often felt for people who didn’t have the good things which I did have, but I also felt bad about myself because of this.

The seventh commandment helps us love others, and as I said in my previous Blog post, wisdom says we are to love others as we love ourselves.

So, feeling bad in this way couldn’t lead to a greater love and service of others. Though I had hit on an important, God-given inspiration by recognising that inequality which causes unnecessary suffering is unfair.

In January 2014 I was sitting by a river in Australia reflecting on entitlement. Somebody had said to me that the root of anger was often a sense of entitlement. I was considering this and could see that often people become angry because they feel they have been deprived of something they are entitled to. It is that same injustice that we experience when something is stolen.

Me by a river in Townsville, Australia in 2014 in the weeks after I first saw God.

Away with the clenched fist!

At that time, I considered myself to be a worthless burden. I did not feel particularly entitled to a lot and thought the world would be better off without me.

Yet there were certain privileges which I assumed all people should have, and this was in part why I felt so guilty about inequality in the world. At twenty-three I felt as strongly as I did at eleven, that I did not deserve good things if some people are deprived of them.

In part my conscience was rationally responding to inequality, but this did not lead to good action for me. When I had done voluntary work in the past I felt disempowered and depressed afterwards.

I often left voluntary posts feeling more despair, because even if we were doing some small good, it never seemed to address the deep inequality and injustice that some lives are far more comfortable and privileged than others. The people were still suffering.

I believed I didn’t deserve a better chance in life than anybody else and couldn’t reconcile that even though I had better chances in some respects, I still managed to fail at everything, which led to me feeling even more worthless.

Even when I wasn’t ruminating on negative thoughts, I ultimately believed deep down that I was worthless, that life was hopeless, and inequality an insurmountable problem. It felt as though I lived a life of staving off inevitable despair with moments of happiness and lies of false hope which never proved fruitful, and clearly didn’t apply to everyone.
Simply avoiding these thoughts to vacuously go about life keeping fit or saying positive affirmations wasn't going to resolve these deeply painful beliefs.

My speculations by the Ross River ended suddenly and ultimately quite mysteriously.
I’d love to give a neat, analytical conclusion to my ruminations on the bench, but I can’t. I concluded that nobody is entitled to anything and- scales fell from my eyes- I suddenly saw God! In the river, the trees, and the light around me.
All of the natural world became alive in a new way- I could see a creator in the creation! I had a numinous experience.

I felt a kind of deep peace, which I had never experienced before because of this revelation that God exists.

I wasn't experiencing deep despair at the moment I had the revelation, I was sitting thoughtfully by a river. Though I had often experienced life-threatening despair when I was depressed previously.
It was not as though I needed to believe in God at that moment for any anthropological reason to find a reason to live. I did not deceive myself into believing something for an emotional leg-up, I realised God actually exists.

What liberation! I was finally free- I was not entitled to anything, and neither was anybody else. That meant I was not responsible for what other people don’t have! I could finally forgive myself for the good things I have and accept them with gratitude.

The revelation of God’s existence didn’t turn me immediately into a Christian- you must be having a laugh- This was 26 months before my baptism and I had a way to go before I knew God well enough to be baptised.

I could finally pursue and know the truth- God- and stop stumbling, trying to understand the world with empty philosophies or trying to heal myself through exhausting efforts and lifestyle changes.

The ultimate problem with what I believed in that moment of revelation- that nobody is entitled to anything- is that it is not entirely true. So, although that feeling of liberation because I was no longer burdened by guilt was quite a relief, the good and enduring truth which has stayed with me and gives me hope, worth and purpose is the thing that followed (my wrong analytical conclusion about entitlement) ... the true liberation and peace came from the realisation that God exists. 

Which is something God just decided to give me, nothing to do with the analysis.

People are entitled to things. Even if you think that people aren’t entitled to material things, most people will concede that people are entitled to other things.

For example- people are entitled to physical autonomy because if they aren’t then things like sexual abuse and murder aren’t wrong.

People are entitled to food and medicine or they die and suffer unnecessarily.

We could even say people are entitled to things like kindness or basic respect because if not then we would not have happy relationships and would ultimately destroy each other through hatred.

The angry response when we see deprivation can be frustration about genuine injustice, it is not necessarily the angry entitlement people feel because they have a silver spoon in their mouth.

It is wrong that there is inequality in our world, it is unjust when people are deprived of necessary things like food, medical care or safety through no fault of their own. It is wrong when people have anything which they are entitled to taken from them... even non-essential things.

Now I am a Christian my sense of self worth comes from knowing all people are made in the image of God, and life is sacred. It is not in my success or how others see me that gives value to my life, or I would be as depressed as ever. I'd love to help the poor through my work and produce my own litany of Saints through a happy family home but I haven't managed it yet.

Knowing Jesus already saved the world, so I don’t have to, is quite a relief. I don't just ignore the suffering world, I do what I reasonably can and I especially ensure I pray as much as I can for others, especially anybody I know in need.

God gives me hope, His promises are for this life and beyond. I know certainly that I have self-worth and a purpose even when I could make a good case that I don't based only on materialistic reasoning.

How does this have anything to do with stealing?

To have what is rightfully ours taken from us is an injustice.

In the Gospel of John, chapter ten, verse ten, Jesus says:

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

What does Jesus mean by the fullness of life? Do we have the fullness of life? If we don't are we being deprived of life? What has deprived us of life?

All my life I really wanted to do a job where I help people- journalist, lawyer, occupational therapist, carer… whatever. As long as I helped others. I also wanted to have my own family.

At the age of thirty I find I have nothing and I've been exhausted by the efforts of my life. I didn’t even get a degree which was like a rite of passage for most people of my generation. I’ve done about thirty jobs, none of which particularly helped anybody and haven't even kissed or dated a man for eight years which I think isn't how you make babies.

Yet I don’t feel I lack anything, I believe, in my nothingness, that I have the fullness of life. It would be nice to be less of a failure, and to do better in the world but if I found out I was dying tomorrow I’d be quite happy to go to God, unaccomplished, as it were.

I am not now deprived of the one good we are all entitled to first and foremost- God. In God we have all that we are really entitled to. You see it in the poor when you know them personally, rather than pitying them from afar. Seeing the faith and joy of the poor in the midst of grief and deprivation is inspiring and strangely life-giving. From our ivory palaces we can wrongly think that the privilege of riches is better than the simple goodness of faith, hope and love.

What deprivation I didn’t see in my life growing up. For years I lived without hope, self-worth or  a purpose in life. Yet we are entitled to hope and peace, and to recognise our true worth.

As far as I can tell I was deprived of these things initially by ideas, because they kept me from knowing God and avoiding sin.

My wrong beliefs about life, the world and myself prevented me from seeing the goodness of life in a deeper way. Without God the goodness of life is so shallow because creation is as temporary as a Spring flower. It comes and goes so quickly and it's goodness is soon forgotten. I could hope in the things of the world only for so long, or to a certain extent, before the ultimate existential meaningless led me back to despair.

Earlier in John’s Gospel, Jesus says

“All who have come before me are thieves and robbers… I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.”

All the ideas, theories, analysis, etc. of the world that came before Jesus to sell me a meaningful life proved untrue or, at best, limited. The false hope these ideas offered robbed me of what could have been mine if I had known the truth.

The way I ensure I am not deprived of the good things of God anymore is by taking what Jesus offers all of us- and that is salvation.

I accept God by going to Him in prayer and by turning from my wrong beliefs and behaviour, because of my faith in Him. I know He is real and I trust He is good.

In order to open my hands to receive my inheritance from God I still have to let go of what keeps me from Him. This is very painful at times, if I can't see God's goodness somewhere it's usually because I'm holding on to something which I think is good or true but isn't.

If I find I have an opinion that is depriving me of some good thing I know God wants then I give that opinion to God, often this has meant I let go of something completely.

This relationship with God is how I am able to have nothing and still have the fullness of life. I appreciate the good things of the world like work and family but don’t need them to be fulfilled. I accept from God the life He has given me, the difficulties He has allowed in my life, including all my failures and shortcomings.

I trust Him with all the needy people I seem incapable of assisting personally, and pray for them wholeheartedly, knowing that God loves them and hears my prayers for them. Knowing that He is just, even when the world is not. Knowing that nothing is wasted if we give it to Him.

One of my least favourite expressions is “I’m entitled to my opinion” it is often said belligerently and is a reason blocker in a conversation.

I get frustrated when I can see someone holds an opinion which keeps them from God.

It is the worst deprivation I can think of- it is the most despicable theft to be deprived of eternal happiness for the sake of an opinion. Usually some odious justification for sin which was pooed out of the bowels of Hell to make souls precious to God too stinky for Sainthood.

Yes, we are entitled to hold and share our opinions in this society, at this time.

Maybe you’re like me. You might find as you let go of the opinions that keep you from God that you are entitled to more than an opinion. The God I know says we’re entitled to everlasting joy, hope and love, starting right now by having a personal friendship with Him.

I let go of bitter sarcasm, mistrust, sexual depravity, addictions and despair for that?

I will not allow myself to be deprived of the Heavenly fortune by the thief who seeks only to kill and destroy. I’m taking my inheritance now and going to the Heavenly banquet and getting a Princess crown when I meet my King. Nothing else will do.

May the reader be sure I will not deprive you of prayer tonight, as I kneel to say goodnight to God I will say one for you too.

Let God bless you! He wants to.

Not having sex

One of the most controversial topics of Christian life because of how it clashes with popular secular ideas is sexuality.

This makes the sixth commandment a point of contention; even when it isn’t directly discussed, it can leave unspoken hostility between Christians and non-Christians.

I have reflected on and compared my life as a liberal, sexually active Atheist and my life as a celibate Christian.

The sixth Commandment in Deuteronomy, chapter five:

“You shall not commit adultery”

As with last weeks “Thou shalt not kill” Jesus takes us deeper. He says not only is sexual infidelity wrong, but sexually objectifying another person in our thoughts is wrong. From Matthew's Gospel, chapter five:

“You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

This commandment tells us that we should be chaste. It refers specifically to our attitude towards others because it is one of the seven commandments which helps us to love others, as we love ourselves.

As we are expected to love others as we love ourselves, we are also expected to be chaste for our own sake. Our attitude to ourselves becomes our attitude to others, we love them and treat them in the way that we love and treat ourselves.

Chastity is one of those words which sounds almost dirty it is so unfashionable, like temperance or prudence. Who wants to say that chastity is good when it sounds so revolting? It is a word that leaves people with the impression that whoever is seriously using it must be a self-righteous, old-fashioned hypocrite. Which is clearly not true in the case of the Blog Author, that statement is half true at most.

Unfortunately, I am dissatisfied by all available synonyms for chastity, I even Googled it. Quite progressive research for someone as old-fashioned as I am. No- there is no alternative, I will be using the word chastity.

I am going further and saying not only the word but that I think that chastity is good. I am going further still by saying that in my experience celibacy which sounds, if it were possible, even uglier than chastity, is also good.

Chastity refers to behaviours outside sex too. Only today I had a conversation with some friends who said that only two of our five fruit and veg a day are supposed to be fruit because of the sugar in fruit, and I said sometimes mine is closer to eleven a day, and three in a week might be veg.

It is easy to convince myself fruit is a healthy snack and overdo it, but by the second punnet you hate yourself like it’s cake. This is because the greed is bad, not because of what the fruit is. It is disordered to eat anything when it is unnecessary, and too much of a good thing soon becomes bad as we know.

In this fruity indulgence I am fooling myself in order to satisfy my selfish desire, my greed. Similarly, it is easy to convince ourselves that we should satisfy our lust when we want sex. Or to misuse friendships when we are lonely or desire a deeper connection with another person by making the relationship something it shouldn’t be. This is often what leads people to cheat, but it is also the genesis of other unhealthy romantic relationships which don’t involve marriage. People break the sixth commandment when they take something good, like sex, and misuse it to satisfy their selfish desires like their lust or vanity.

Dressing chastely during the Pandemic

I am much happier as a celibate Christian than when I was sexually active, even though I enjoyed having sex. (Well, most of the time…)

Is it possible to enjoy something yet live without it? Yes. Maybe I could be a single Christian and have sex too? No.
Glad we’ve cleared that up.

Before I believed in God, I believed humans were just conscious animals and that there was no life after death. So, I believed when a human dies their personality dies with their consciousness and their entire being ceases to exist when the human body disintegrates.

This understanding meant I believed our purpose could only be found by looking at our physical existence. As animals in a material world, that logically means our purpose is to stay alive and to create more creatures like ourselves, so the species continues to exist when we die.

This attitude makes life about physical survival. Our material needs are the most important needs with this attitude, and while this involves emotional and social needs these tend to be regarded as only secondary to physical needs. This anthropological attitude makes life about looking after myself as an individual creature (and dependants) through self-preservation, and survival of the species through procreation.

This attitude means that we think our ultimate end, our goal in life, is to mate. We are primarily just trying to create young and therefore need to be hooking up with people to have sex which will lead to that.

When I realised the Christian God exists, I learned that when the body dies the human soul still exists, and our bodies are reanimated at the resurrection when the soul and body are united again.

The fact that God and eternal life are real means I no longer think that our purpose as human beings is simply to survive. It also means that our physical needs are not the most important needs that a person has.

Our goal, or end purpose, dictates the choices we make. So, now that my goal is different for my life, my choices are different too.

If I want to make a cake, I buy things like flour and butter and follow a recipe that tells me how to combine them to reach my end. If I want cress from seeds, I plant them in soil, keep them in a suitable place and water them so they grow.

If I want to survive, I eat and look after all my body’s needs. If I want to reproduce, I find a suitable mate to have sex with so we can make creatures like us.

If I want to get to Heaven, I pray and try to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ who opened Heaven for creatures like us.

These beliefs we have can be automatic assumptions we have not thought about much, yet we might believe them quite strongly and people can become impassioned about these issues.

The beliefs can have a big impact on how we live our lives, because what we choose to do each day, to an extent, makes us who we are, as our choices and behaviours change us.

When I didn’t believe in God my ultimate end was not to get to Heaven, because I didn’t believe in such a thing, and the materialistic view I had of life determined my lifestyle choices.

Yet I gave up relationships with men in 2012, three years before I became a Christian, because I could see that these relationships were destroying my mental and emotional wellbeing.

I then ended up in a relationship with a woman for a year from 2013 when I first developed an attraction to women, which was also destructive, and I could see that I had lost a friend because our relationship had become something it should never have been. With the men I wasn’t usually friends with them beforehand, so didn’t have this clarity that the relationship had been something which could have been good, but which turned bad because of our bad choices.

I couldn’t understand as an atheist why relationships left me feeling so guilty and ashamed. I was doing what I had been told to do growing up by trying to live with people I intended to stay in a relationship with before making a commitment, it seems to make sense logically to know you’re compatible before formal commitment.

My conscience was very uneasy about how I felt because of these relationships, and as much as I missed the individuals, and the sex, when the relationships ended, I was also relieved when I was free from them.

Part of my historical and philosophical discernment about truth and God’s existence included analysis of my life experience and responding to the promptings of my conscience.

For example, I recognised the anthropological necessity for things like hope, honesty, and chastity (even celibacy) through analysing my life experiences. I came to this conclusion when I believed in a  Pantheist New-age type God, so nothing to do with Christian dogma which I didn’t want to adhere to, and I did not believe in sin.
My conclusions about the goodness of celibacy helped me on my journey towards the truth, and ultimately helped me when I consciously recognised the certain existence of objective evil- meaning “right and wrong” are not just opinions.

Though I did not give up romantic relationships because of Christianity, it is my relationship with God that is the reason I continue not to have romantic relationships on an ongoing basis.

I am trying to get to Heaven. I do believe I would be sinning against the sixth commandment if I had sex as an unmarried woman. This is not some meaningless rule that I don’t want to follow.

When we get in romantic relationships with people we usually make a commitment to them, so if someone else we fancy comes along we say no to that person, even if we are tempted, because of our commitment and respect for the person we are already with.

When I was baptised, I made a promise to God that I would be faithful to Him. I’m not going to disrespect Him and throw away the most important relationship of my life to satisfy my desires. Even when these desires are valid and normal physically and socially speaking.

One mistake some probably make when looking at my individual circumstances, as a woman who became a Christian, would be to presume that my Christianity forced celibacy on me. The assumption might understandably be that I must have been fascinated by Christian teaching because I am self-hating and now I have been deluded by archaic Christian ideology I am prevented from true freedom, and what I really want. Because all we really want is sex, right? Or is it?

Not really. I feel emotionally freer as a celibate Christian, it is still my choice what I do with my body. I didn’t really have that freedom before, I was enslaved to my passions and desires in a way I am not now because I can give them to God and He helps me and He also helps me with the social difficulties that can arise in relation to this.

I didn’t turn from romantic relationships because sex is bad in itself, but because I realised that I was mistaken in my understanding of intimacy and sex. I really trust and love this God who has discouraged me from having sex outside marriage, and there are lots of fair, logical arguments for being chaste (I didn’t say celibate!) even within marriage.

After all these years as a lonely celibate I find I’m not lonelier than when I was in relationships with other creatures because I now have an intimate relationship with God. Who is my ultimate end.

Go and read my previous blog post, which was a poem about union with God. I stated that being united to God in prayer is the best thing in life: “Better than sex”

Which I've been told is a quote from a Supernoodles advert... seems legit.

God bless and stay chaste.

Union with Christ poem

I was typing some of the poetry I wrote last year this evening and thought I'd post this poem here because of what this blog is.

What a beautiful place to kneel and be silent for hours so God can come.

This poem describes union with Christ. It is what I live for!

On my knees with Christ

His broken body is my soul

For silently I’m filled with light

And obtain that Holy goal

To be one with my Lord

And share His precious pain

In His heart I’m never bored

There is nothing I could gain

What more is there to here and now

Than shadows of the next

So to hang my head and bow

In silence is where my soul finds rest

When I persevere in prayer

And beg for full submission

God fills my soul with Holy light

This union is real living

Silent prayer is sometimes the most lively part of my day, because I feel God's presence within me in silence and it is the best.

Better than sex, better than doughnuts, better than poems on Blogs. You name it.

I am not a Theologian but I'm fairly confident "His broken body is my soul" might not be technically accurate but it alludes to the union of my human soul with Christ which is made more real through Holy Communion, so it's staying as I wrote it.

Like many others I am praying, confident and trusting, that God will work miracles because of His mercy.

We will be together to worship Him safely in His churches again soon, I'm sure. I hope many in this time will have had the privilege of experiencing God's presence in the silence and stillness of solitude.

Hate Expectations

The fifth commandment, the same in Exodus chapter twenty and Deuteronomy chapter five, is:

“You shall not kill.”

Jesus raises the bar for His followers with this one. In the Gospel of Matthew, chapter five, He says:

“You have heard that it was said to the men of old, “You shall not kill and whoever kills shall be liable to judgement.” But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgement.”

In this teaching Jesus tells us that even being angry with others is sinning against the fifth commandment.

Some might object to this teaching where anger or dislike are understandable, or negative feelings seem to be out of our control, but, as with my other posts about the ten commandments, I want to focus on one thing I have done which has helped me keep this commandment, so I am not going much into the reasoning behind the commandment.

I wasn’t trying to keep this commandment when I gave up complaining for Lent- I think this must have been in 2016- which was the year I was baptised but ultimately giving up complaining has helped me to keep this commandment.

Before I became a Christian, I spent years trying to be better through thought, feeling and behavioural exercises, largely through introspection, analysis and acts of self-discipline. Some therapeutic practices I attempted for years involved recognising and labelling thoughts in order to improve my wellbeing. These practices also involved emotional awareness and recognising and changing unhelpful behaviour.

These methods did not make me happy, but the practice of self-awareness and habit of recognising and labelling thoughts as they occur helped me when I gave up complaining.

I quickly recognised complaints as they came into my head so I was able to reject them. Sometimes I could see that my complaint was not valid and revealed some sin, but the recognition alone meant I could distract myself from the thought, and so rejected the complaint to get out of the negative habit and keep my promise to God for the season of Lent.

My belief when I gave up complaining was probably that complaints are always unjustifiable, so I should stop. I have only recently realised this is probably extreme, but the practice of giving up complaining has helped me.

As I believed that complaining was not the right thing to do, and could see that giving it up was helping me to be more charitable towards others, I continued this effort to never complain, even in my private thoughts when Lent was over. Meaning I've been trying to live this way for about four years.

I found one of the hardest times to remain faithful to this discipline is when speaking to someone with a complaint. My immediate attitude towards another person is one of desiring to affirm them so they feel good and happy. When people complain they are looking for validation for something and I have never found a way of successfully validating a person who is complaining (whether I agree or not) without:

1. Being dragged into the complaint
2. Inadvertently upsetting the person because I refuse to enter their complaint, usually by changing the subject or not responding at all
3. Causing actual anger by trying to posit an alternative to their complaint; for example, I might speculate charitably about why a person said something which hurt someone else and the complainant usually feels invalidated and sometimes even attacked because of this
4. The complainant wrongly believing I am agreeing with them through my effort to listen and provide a neutral acknowledgement of what they’re saying in order to validate them and problem solve if relevant, but without complaining.

The question of how to socialise without complaining remains unanswered by me at this juncture, I will just have to take up complaining again if I wish to keep people happy.

I have learned a valuable lesson about anger through this different outlook. I found when people try to engage me in a complaint, one common underlying reason is because they have/had an expectation of another person/institution/ideology/plan etc. and that expectation hasn’t been met. So they feel angry because their expectation was not met- the old expression “great expectations, great disappointments” comes to mind.
Anger is one response to the disappointment, I am speculating about anger directed at other people in these circumstances. In their anger sometimes the complainant then seek out someone else to validate how they feel, they might want them to listen and usually join their complaining. I think they want the person to agree partly for validation but also so they can bond over these negative feelings.

Expectation-Disappointment-Anger-Complaint-Please don’t call Ciara

This was helpful to recognise as these complaints usually involved criticising another person. Putting others down is against love and therefore against God. I found often the complainant had unreasonable expectations, or had allowed themselves to be scandalised by toxic media or some other dubious influence and so I didn't agree with their complaint anyway.

So, my recognition and rejection of joining in these kinds of complaints is something which I would like to try to continue to do, at least in certain circumstances, even if I soften my “no complaints” rule.

Lots of people are complaining at the present time about the toxicity of journalism and the media, and rightly so. It is toxic, but it is that way partly because the gross media is popular- it gives people complaint fodder. People love getting together to complain about the things they hear in the Press, especially when it involves scapegoating some public figure or unpopular institution.

One thing which was rife in my pre-Christian life was bonding over putting others down. It is a cancer of our culture and I was guilty of putting myself and others down to try and gain acceptance from others and make people laugh.

It reminds me of chapter 23 in the Gospel of Luke, St. Luke includes in his version of the Passion of Jesus that King Herod and Pontius Pilate become friends, even though they had been enemies, and they bond over their abuse of Jesus- the scapegoat.

It is interesting that Jesus says whoever is angry at another is “liable to judgement” that means that there are consequences for our anger.

One reason I say this is interesting is because often feelings of anger at another person can be the result of our judgements of them. Someone said or did something once and we characterise them in that way because we've judged them.

Jesus famously taught us to treat others as we would like to be treated, see in chapter seven of Matthew’s Gospel.
This means we can expect the treatment we give to others. So, if we want to be judged and for people to be angry or spiteful towards us when we let people down, then that makes the complainant attitude I’ve described towards others acceptable.
If we would rather people forgive us when we make mistakes, then we need to try and forgive disappointments and let go of our anger.

It can be quite hard not to get dragged into peoples complaints of others, and sometimes people are angry for very understandable reasons, but in those situations it usually hurts the angry person to feel the way they do, so it's not a loving thing to encourage this in people.

In the expectation-disappointment scenario my own anger is not that difficult to check because I don’t expect much from people and think I'm more inclined to turn anger inward, which is just as bad, but not what I'm reflecting on here.

If someone mistreats me or lets me down I try to take the view of St. Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians when he says:

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”

It is not the naïve belief that there is no malice in another person, but it is the charitable acceptance that bad things happen and sometimes they involve me. Life and people can be unfair and disappointing.

As a Christian I am aware of my own part in other people’s disappointments- I know I am a sinner and have hurt people in my life, I have let people down, and so gladly realise that I’m not in a position to put others down as I am guilty of the same.

With this acceptance of our collective human weakness, myself included, I have an inner peace and greater love for others, meaning it is easy for me to avoid feeling or remaining angry towards others.

God wants us to be interdependent on each other to an extent, and that reliance on others means we have to expect certain things from people. Therefore, sometimes when expectations are not met we will be let down, which can be disappointing.

As I’ve concluded that it does not seem reasonable to live a life completely devoid of complaints and disappointment, it is necessary to have a solution for these experiences to prevent myself falling into sins against love. Breaking the fifth commandment is a sin against love, especially love of other people, and is therefore against the teaching of Jesus.

Lovely Jesus, helping us to have peace and not be angry or judgemental.

When I feel I have a valid complaint or feel disappointment I give it to Jesus Christ by speaking to Him in prayer.

I also have to accept that sometimes I complain and feel disappointed and I’m being unreasonable, and that can be quite difficult to accept, but when I recognise this and I feel bad I turn to God then too.
He cares about how I feel in all these situations and through my prayers- my conversation with Him- Jesus helps me to overcome negative feelings, love people and keep the fifth commandment.

If this Blog post is not what you expected, why don’t you give it to Jesus and keep your complaints to yourself?
If you tell me, as stated previously, I will not know how the Hell to deal with your complaint. Can’t remember why I left customer service nine years ago…

You're just like your Father

This Wednesday I am reflecting on the fourth of the ten commandments, which is:

“Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.”

From the book of Exodus, chapter twenty.

In the second chapter of St. Luke’s Gospel there is an unusual account of Jesus as a young man. We know about His birth because it is well documented and His life from the age of thirty but there is only one story about Jesus as a 12/13 year old boy in the Bible and I would encourage everybody to read it. It ends with the words:

“…and he was obedient to them” which refers to Jesus obeying His parents- St. Joseph and the Virgin Mary.

This is the first commandment which relates directly to our love of other people. The first three help us love and respect God, and the next seven commandments help us to love and respect others.

A few years ago, I watched the film “Mr. Smith goes to Washington” for the first time in years. I loved old films as a teenager but haven’t watched TV or films much as an adult.

There is an early scene where Mr. Smith himself is bashfully (*bashful is a far superior adjective to shy, let’s steal it from the Americans please) being flattered by a Senator who was a friend of Smith’s recently deceased Father. The Senator says the phrase “You’re just like your Father” to Smith and to my absolute astonishment, bashful Smith responds: “Thank you, Sir”.

What on earth.

Recent photograph of my poor Mother with some awful old cat

Recent photograph of my unfortunate Father and rabbit companions

I grew up hearing “You’re just like your Father” from Mum and “You’re just like your Mother” from Dad. In neither instance would I have said “Thank you” and if I had, it would have been grossly inappropriate, so probably would have raised an eyebrow from the offending Parent.

Child with penchant for cycling and rainbow specs, clearly nothing like them

To be clear, my parents don’t have habits of putting each other down, even though they separated when I was six, so this was not said in disgust or serious dislike.

At best, my own Parents might say “You’re just like your…” with a kind of affectionate despair, a furrowed brow and slow headshake to accompany it. With a kind of fondness for the creature, even if it is awful like some other awful creature they love.

What do you mean I'm just like my Father?

What is clear though, is my parents didn’t mean it in the way the Senator said it to the wide-eyed, naive Smith. The way my Parents said this expression suggested I inherited some of the other parent’s bad habits- because I obviously didn’t get it from them.

Were you talking to that guy?

We do pick up bad habits from our parents, parent-like figures and anybody we admire- because if we like someone we often want to emulate the things we like about them.

With our parents though we are usually like them without trying to be. We are created by our parents and inevitably like them. We call God Our Father in the Christian faith and parents are like God in the sense that they create life- they bring a human person with a body and soul into the world when they have a child.

It is not a throw away relationship which means nothing if it is difficult, because you can just adopt another parent, but there are surrogate parents in the world who do a better job than birth parents. It is necessary sometimes that we have role models who are not our birth parents.

Jesus Himself had a surrogate Parent in St. Joseph, because He was conceived in the Virgin Mary’s womb by the Holy Spirit and had no human Father. St. Joseph was already engaged to Mary and chose to stay with her to help her raise Jesus as his own son.

I pray to St. Joseph every day- he is one of three Saints I pray to every morning along with St. Patrick and St. Anthony of Padua. I describe Joseph the first of my fathers in the faith because he is the first Patron after the Virgin who I go to, I call him Papa or Joseph.

Or that guy?

Being “Just like my Father” as in my unfortunate, earthly Father is not the end of the world. Some ways I resemble him are good and some ways I resemble him are bad. He could have kept the perfectly square feet, for example.

As a Christian convert my new life takes me far away from how I was raised. My Father is an unbaptised antitheist, so although my parents are good people who I rightly love and respect I cannot be like them completely because it would be impossible for me to follow my parents example and follow Jesus.

St. Joseph says nothing in the Bible, and we don’t have any direct teaching from him because he wrote nothing down that we know of. Yet I speak to him every day in prayer and He speaks to God the Father for me. So, Joseph is helping me primarily through my relationship with him. Like when a young child goes to their Parents for help, so my infantile nickname of Papa is perfect for him because he is helping me like a parent helps a young child.

Mary is our Mother in Heaven too. When Jesus is dying on the cross, he says to St. John, who is standing by the cross with Mary, that John and Mary should look after each other. He calls John Mary’s son, and Mary John’s Mother. The tradition teaches that John is all of us, he is symbolic of all people and we are all supposed to treat Mary like a Mum.

Every day we look at Jesus and try to be like Him. In Luke’s Gospel it says “He went down with his parents and was obedient…” First he went to his parents, then listened to them and did as they asked because of his love and trust for them. God the Father trusted these two remarkable people with the care of Jesus, His son.

My view is that as Jesus Himself went first to Mary and Joseph, so should we.
As we make them our spiritual parents, we will become like them through our relationship with them. Jesus would have been like His parents too- He looked like his Mother Mary, He did the trade His Father taught him.

Yet before Jesus started preaching at thirty Joseph had already died, and Mary couldn’t stop him dying on the cross. She had to stand by and watch her son suffer, and He had to watch her suffering with Him, knowing how much that hurt her.

They were human with limitations, and invaluable to Jesus. He would not have had the life He did without them. They had a place in time and space, like all of us, and they did well to look after Him.

When Jesus died, he released souls who had died before Him, like Joseph, and Heaven was opened for everybody. We can know that many people who have died are already with God because of answered prayers and miracles that prove this. This teaching is why Catholics pray to Saints.

We can rely on praying to God the Father when everyone and everything in the world seems to let us down, we can always turn to Him. We are not alone with God, even if His presence is not obvious to us.

Oh come on, you must be thinking of my ugly brother?

We can be bold when we approach God and know that He cares about us and hears us. He is not without humans in Heaven now that Jesus has unlocked it, and the people in Heaven can hear us and help us to pray. They are still able to pray for us, just as Christians pray for each other in this life and they want to pray for us.

I go to the Virgin Mary and St. Joseph first in all my needs when I ask for help in prayer because I know that's what Jesus wants me to do. I am honouring His parents when I do so and becoming more like the Heavenly Father whose image we are all made in.

Though I don’t really mind being like my creature parents (I promise) it’s not fair that I get the gift of faith, hope and love from God when they are stuck in uncertainty in the world.

Would the reader help to rectify this injustice and pray for my poor Mother and “come to Papa” (pray to Joseph) for my unfortunate Father? Can you imagine they've put up with me for thirty years and still love me? Yes, they need your prayers.

Please come to the Holy Family with me. If they help me with everything, they will help you too!

I found a couple of prayer cards. If I'm really just like my Father, this might be my only hope.

The Perpetual Sacrifice

The third commandment is about keeping the Sabbath day Holy:

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it Holy. Six days you shall labour, and do all your work; but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; in it you shall not do any work."

Jesus says:

"The Sabbath day was made for man, not man for the Sabbath; so the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath."

As I am writing about the third commandment during the Easter octave- so during the feast of Easter- I am thinking about the “feast” of the resurrection, which we keep every Sunday in the Church.

The feast of Easter is an octave, so a week long including the Sundays, or eight days, as the name suggests. The Catechism of the Catholic Church say that Sunday is the eighth day and the first, which makes sense as a week is seven days long.

I like this idea of Sunday being the first and the last day of the week, because Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega- the beginning and the end. Sunday being the Lord’s day and Jesus being the Lord, that seems satisfyingly fitting.

Easter is one of the biggest feasts for Christians because we are celebrating the fact that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead. This is not something insignificant or ordinary for anybody who recognises it is true. The resurrection is relevant to us personally when we know how this changes the meaning of our lives, and our destiny.

If Jesus was brought back to life from the dead then this is something extraordinary, and Christians have teachings further to this which give us cause to celebrate the fact that this really happened. Namely, that as we follow Jesus, we too will be resurrected from the dead.

Through Lent, Easter themed treats are available in shops, even though it is a time of fasting in preparation for Easter. Yet during the festival- or feasting- season of Easter they disappear from shops because the secular view is that Easter is a bank holiday weekend where people eat hot cross buns and chocolate and it’s all over Tuesday morning when they go back to work.

So, the Godless sugar-pushers capitalise on Easter in the lead up to the bank holiday. Similar to Advent, when excess of food, shopping and other pleasures are ritual preparation for Christmas though it is supposed to be a time to reflect spiritually and abstain, preparing for the feast of Christmas, when we celebrate God coming into the world. The whole of Christmastide is then ignored after New Year’s Day, which is a secular celebration marking the end of the holiday season for most.

For Christians who are living the Liturgy of the Church however Eastertide, the season, lasts 50 days, till the celebration of Pentecost. Easter Sunday is just the beginning! This makes Eastertide a longer Holy season than Lent and Advent, which are 40 days long.

Eastertide is a special time of year and a good opportunity to think about the resurrection of Jesus in a meaningful way, but every Sunday we have a mini-Easter when we gather for the Sunday Eucharist in our churches.

Christians keep Sunday as the day to fulfil the third commandment given by God because, as Christians who are not expected to keep the law given to the Jewish people, we are remembering the fact that Jesus rose from the dead on that day while meeting other Christians to worship God together, and taking the rest which is necessary for us.

From the early days of the Christian community it was a day which was set aside with a deliberate thought to honour the fact that Jesus came back from the dead on that day of the week.

In keeping one day a week aside for the public worship of God and resting from work, we are being obedient to the instruction given to “His people” by God. As Christians we are also God’s people but, unlike the Jews, we become God’s by following Jesus, and that is why we do not keep the Sabbath in the same way as the Jewish people.

Christians should still keep the ten commandments because they came from God, not man, but the changes in the way this commandment is kept is a part of religious practice which Christ made new for us.

Jesus completion of the Jewish law does not mean we do not need to go to Church. His completion of the law doesn’t mean the end of any formal religious practice. Some people think that going to Church is an optional extra, depending on how you feel or your opinion, but they are not following His example, as He was faithful to the practice of His religion and Christianity is a religion.

Even when going to Mass is hard I always know, with confidence, that it is a good and worthwhile use of my time. This is because of a firm trust I have in God and a desire to show Him the love I have for Him.

My trust in God means I trust in the Church, therefore I trust in the teaching that we should go to Sunday Mass every week unless we have a legitimate reason not to. This is trusting in God, not a man-made institution.
My belief is that Jesus Christ lived, died and was resurrected from the dead. When He was resurrected He left His disciples with a mission, they were continuing His work under the power of the Holy Spirit sent after His ascension; the Apostles continued His mission by starting a religion, a Church.

If we think of the resurrection and take to heart how this impacts us personally it changes us. By take it to heart I mean that the belief has a deep and enduring meaning, so much so that it becomes a part of us, it transforms us to be more focused on God, more sacrificial and generous in love.

This heartfelt belief in the resurrection helps people who love God to keep the third commandment, because the promise of God, that we have eternal life because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, gives us a desire to worship God.
Think about it- if someone saves you, don't you feel grateful? If you were stranded by the side of the road in the dark, pouring with rain, and someone comes along and relieves you of the discomfort and difficulty you're in they have in a sense saved you- isn't that a relief? Wouldn't you be grateful and happy to see that person?
God did this for all people- for eternity. That's the equivalent of being saved by someone who can guarantee you won't break down, or be inconvenienced by inclement weather or darkness again.
Yet it's even better because Jesus saved us from all the evil that there is, all bad things will be utterly destroyed, and He is so generous that He gives us a choice to follow Him or not. He is not a controlling dictator ordering us into a warm, dry car if we would rather suffer.

People who want to follow this generous Jesus and be with Him, want to know Him better now, which we can through going to Church. We also want to be with other Christians who are also trying to follow Jesus, and to share our love for God with each other.

Those of us with time alone this Easter should find it easier than usual to spend time with God in prayer and spiritual reading because there are not as many legitimate (or inane) distractions to take our attention away.

While I live a contemplative way of life anyway I am still hoping to spend more time with Jesus in prayer this Eastertide, and hope anyone who reads this Blog post will join me.
It may require some sacrifice. I will read the last few chapters of all four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Each of them tells us different things about the resurrection of Jesus, and as it’s possible to read all accounts in one day, to read them in fifty days is easy.

Meditating on the scriptures and praying while thinking about these events will help me to comprehend this promise I trust in, that I too will be resurrected and follow Jesus to Paradise one day.

I think one of the best things we can do to see the value of the Sunday Eucharist is to meditate on the Glorious mysteries of the Holy Rosary.

Let’s think about the first and second mysteries. They are the resurrection and the ascension.
To meditate on Jesus being resurrected from the dead, first reading the Bible passages about them can be a good way of imagining the events. My favourite is John's account.

Let’s ask Our Lady, the Holy women who were present at the passion and resurrection, and the Apostles who started the Church to pray for us; they will assist us in our love of God.

If we think about what literally happened and why, and meditate silently on that, God will reveal His love for us. His love for us is irresistible! Once tasted you will be rushing to receive Him again when the churches are open.

We should think about the ascension too; that day when Jesus went up to the Father again from the hillside, leaving His followers with a message of peace and a promise of the Holy Spirit. A promise that He would be with us always, which He is, even literally speaking in the Blessed Sacrament.

We, as Christians, can enter into this mystery when we take it to heart.
If someone insults you and you “take it to heart” it really hurts, sometimes it can change our view of ourselves it hurts so much. If you believe you're ugly because someone said that to you once, even if you ignored hundreds of times other people said you're beautiful, then you know what I mean.
If someone compliments you and feel better about yourself, you have taken that to heart too, and it gives you confidence because you feel better about yourself, so we can take good things to heart and be changed by them too.
I think a greater sign of love than a kind word (not to say they're not nice sometimes) is someone wanting to spend time with you. It is obvious when people seek out your company, and are relaxed or happy with you, that they respect and love you. That is what God wants us to feel for Him- and even what he wants us to feel for those awful Christians in His churches!

Jesus Christ wants you to take to heart the fact that He became man, died and came back from death to get you, because He’s madly in love with you. He loves you so much He even wants to be with you forever! I get it, it sounds too good to be true, hard to believe and hard to take to heart.
So we must, again, suffer a little as we did when we meditate on the passion of Jesus. We must suffer that little cross of boredom, confusion and disbelief when we try to persevere in prayer, or later when we feel uncomfortable or bored at Church.
Let's persevere in getting to know Jesus better, so that we can be comfortable and happy in His presence, and we will want to be with Him. There will be no difficulty or uncertainty about keeping the third commandment then, we will take every opportunity to keep it. Maybe going to Church more often, because when we take to heart the eternal love of God we enter eternity now, love in return, and become a living part of that eternal love.

It is hard at times to be a Christian, but it will all be worth it in the end. Well, if you do it really well then not only will it be worthwhile but there is no end…

(thankfully I didn’t mean to the Blog post, I mean the worthwhile part of life is eternal)

This was a hard post to write at the moment. I couldn't think or speak about this completely openly because of the separation from the celebration of the Mass, due to cancellation during the Pandemic.

Like many other Christians who love God and want to worship Him, and be with others who love God, I am finding this a very painful separation.

While I am so grateful to God for mine and my family’s well-being I also feel keenly this separation from God and would encourage that, as well as prayers for those affected by the Coronavirus, and all current difficult circumstances, to remember to pray for the practice of our religion too, which is a necessary part of our lives as spiritual creatures.

Below is a poem I wrote last year. I was struggling to stop myself going to Mass every day, as my circumstances didn't really permit me to do so, yet I was so captivated by the deep meaning of the Mass and the beauty of the Liturgy that I found it hard to resist.

While I was writing the poem I tried to console myself with the fact that it is a perpetual sacrifice and I don't need to be present to be a part of it, as I am in the mystical body of Christ. Though I still felt I could not resist being present, so I went daily anyway.
It seems that mood is one I should meditate on again now, as we do not have the privilege of going even on Sundays to be with the Lord, let alone every day.

The Perpetual Sacrifice (read and repeat)

During the Communion rite

At the Holy Sacrifice

Jesus Christ is crucified

With His offering we give

All people who've ever lived

Happy Heathens, the devout,

Sickly sorts, the down and out.

Sincere hearts have union,

Dead or alive, through Him.

We give ourselves if we are bold.

Knowing we are in the fold,

And loving separated souls.

The Host is held up high so we

May gaze upon His mystery.

The Lord lays the table each day

And feeds us with His body, by grace.

So, guests like me are bound to say

"I am not worthy of these gifts!"

Yet even if my focus drifts

I trust God to forgive my sins,

Open my mouth and let Him in.

Given with His sacrifice,

Receiving too is very nice.

We have Communion through the Christ

During the Communion rite

At the Holy Sacrifice

Jesus Christ is crucified.

The following prayer to Our Lady of the Holy Eucharist is a favourite Novena of mine.

Originally I cut it out of the Catholic Herald and stuck it above my prayer table in 2015, just before I joined RCIA.
It has led to miracles in answered prayer; I usually pray it for nine days and go to Mass each day, lighting a candle for the intention, but obviously can’t do that now.
These versions are digital prayer cards I have made, and anybody is welcome to use them and share them.

Please join me in praying this for all people, and for the Church.
Our Lady of the Holy Eucharist is always present at the Holy sacrifice of the Mass, just as she was at Calvary, so she will be whispering things to Our Lord which I'm sure will move His heart to a miracle for our ailing world.