The heart wants what it wants

I didn't have time to write a post today so I'm just doing a quick reflection on the ninth commandment from my phone.

"You shall not covet your neighbour's house; you shall not covet your neighbour's servant, or his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbour's."

In the Catholic Church we separate the commandments differently to Protestants. The ninth and tenth commandments both deals with covetousness, or wanting. 

The ninth commandment deals especially with our desires for one another. This leads into our desire for sex, when our want is another person.

Jesus says: 

"Everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has ready committed adultery with her in his heart."

As a dedicated sarcastic cynic for most of my life using the word 'heart' to describe my innermost desire and the core of me in a sincere way was not easy, but it became necessary.

Desire as a want can be shallow and animalistic when it is for something like foos. Often for me this will be a cup of tea. This is the lifeblood of England and a desire shared by my fellow countrymen.

Closer to my heart than tea would be my desire to paint and go to galleries. Lots of people love art but it's a passion I have which others don't and I have cultivated through habit and love through my life.

In a way this then became a part of me because it is so much a part of my life that it then constitutes a part of my own self, my identity.

Yet I could suddenly stop painting and visiting galleries, go off art completely and take up rugby or gardening instead. 

The art is just a thing but it has changed me. I look at things differently because of it, I respond and think differently because of my creativity and love of light, colour and subjects which I like to see in art.

The most important things we desire which come very close to our heart is other people.

In a similar way people change us, and we can look and act differently depending on how and who we spend time with and keep close to us.

I have found one way I was inclined to break this commandment is when I desired not a person, but something about a person.

Someone might have a quality I admired and I would seek them out because of it.

Sometimes a piece of art will be brilliant because of the originality of the composition or exquisite execution or use of colour etc. As an artist I look at some artworks and think "wow! That is so cool, I wish I could do that" or "I wish I had thought of that"

I'm not being covetous, but admiring the skills of another person. 

My love for this subject is ordered enough to appreciate the other without the desire to possess it all for myself.

This is an attitude I can see in my relationships too sometimes.

Depending on my desire, I seek out particular people sometimes because they will help me fulfil what I want.

So if I want to go to an exhibition at a gallery I call an art loving friend. If I want a laugh I call a funny raconteur. Etc.

I admire the persons qualities, whether I have them myself or not.

Close to our hearts are also our identities. Looking back, when I was younger I think I struggled with this sin of covetousness when I saw in people what I wanted to see in myself.

If I saw others had traits or habits I didn't have but wanted I might admire them in a way, but it could make me sad, not happy, because I wanted that part of them for myself.

This sadness doesn't come from love of the other person, even with an acknowledgement of their goodness, it comes from a disorder in our self-love.

This kind of pain impacts how we see ourselves and our relationship with others.

It is a kind of self rejection as well as lack of apprecitation for the other person.

When we just want someone for sex that is the shallow desire similar to desiring food-or tea. The closer we get to the heart, the deeper the desire is and the more it hurts when it is disordered. 

If we seek love with people when we cannot have the relationship we want with them it causes mutual pain.

In friendship, but especially in romantic relationships, we are seeking people like us but who will also take us beyond ourselves;  that's why it can be desirable and good to be with people who have good traits or habits we need.

This love can be genuine and embrace the others goodness even when we see we don't have it, like what I said about art, or it can be jealous and possessive. Wanting the other but resenting the other persons goodness, feeling bad about ourselves. 

It's midnight. I better stop in case I turn into a pumpkin and some hungry witch wants a piece.

Enjoy your passions and keep the people in your life closest to your heart even when what we want makes true love complicated and painful.

God bless you, you are precious to God.

Living a lie

I’m moving house this week so have rushed this post a bit, but I trust in my haste I have not sworn falsely.

The eighth commandment, as found in the old testament of the Bible-

“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.”

As the Catechism of the Catholic Church points out, this teaching is relative and deepened by the teaching of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter five:

“It was said to the men of old, “You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.”

This commandment helps us to respect others by being honest about them and not saying things about them which are not true. In a deeper way it helps us to live in the truth and respect the truth in every way in our lives.

When I was twenty-one I started to try in earnest to live the most honest life I could, and this desire and effort on my part meant looking at myself honestly, including all the parts of me that were false. At twenty-one that was a lot, even physically when I looked in the mirror at the bleach blonde hair and little dress I felt like a complete fraud. 

I could say I was living a lie, in a sense, but it’s not so much that I didn’t know who I was. I wasn’t trying to be something I was not, but I felt incapable of living a good life in accordance with my true self and had become a slave to bad habits and negative lies I believed about life and humanity.

I had been quite introspective as a teenager and had some inherent sense of who I was, but felt restless. Time that wasn’t filled with activity had to be devoted to seeking or smoking drugs. I even consciously acknowledged that I had to get out of my own head so I didn’t have to face what was inside it.

Thank God He used what was to follow to give me the opportunity to change.

I’d say one thing which was fundamental to change was realising that truth is more certain than I thought; I would have thought truth was more open to interpretation than it reasonably can be in reality.

Realising that truth can be certain means that we can discover it, and this inevitably means we also see ourselves in a more realistic light. Which is sometimes difficult or painful, but also leads to a more authentic, honest life.

It is helpful to realise that truth being relative is a logical fallacy, because then the search for truth can be made more confidently. If we think there might be an infinite number of possible realities then we can never have hope of knowing what is certain. The search for truth is then as meaningless as a recreational activity because it is just theoretical speculation, rather than an actual intellectual pursuit.

If truth is relative, then it is a certain truth that truth is relative. So, that in itself means that truth cannot be relative, because it is certainly true and not debatable that truth is relative. It makes no sense.

For much of my life I believed that truth is relative and yet refused to believe anything as being true that did not rely on empirical evidence. How could anything be proved, even empirically, if truth is relative? Nothing could be proved or certainly known.

We can change things about ourselves and the world too, all things are not fixed in stone; we can have different opinions or interpretations of things, but things also are a certain way too, and there are certain truths which we can seek and know.

My search for truth started originally when I was young but got interrupted when my ignorance and loneliness led to feckless hedonism in my mid-teens.

When I stopped hiding and started searching again (at twenty-one) I tried to improve my self-knowledge through introspection but also read things around psychology, history, philosophy, religion etc.

My search for the truth and desire for self-improvement brought me to the Catholic Church and I have a close friendship with Jesus Christ because of what I am willing to suffer to live an authentic, honest life.

I am more similar to how I was aged fifteen than I was in my early twenties. I may have dipped into the Bible at times but between the ages of fifteen and twenty-three I never opened the Bible with a desire to seek the truth. In fact I probably thought I knew better because I had read it before… as though that is proof that it isn’t true.

I said in my first blog post that my search for the truth became seeking a person, Jesus. It is is because I seek Him that I can be myself.

My identity as an Atheist was a false understanding of myself because God exists. It is possible to be an Atheist intellectually if you don’t think God exists; because of the lack of faith that is authentic, but it is always an ego thing because it is certain God exists. Therefore, all Atheists are living a lie, they just believe the lie.

If we don’t know the truth, then we cannot be honest. This is why I need God to be my authentic self, because through my relationship with His son I know the truth and so can be who I truly am.

Jesus gives me courage to be disliked, without disliking myself because of what others think of me. He helps me love people who dislike or mistreat me.

He helps me to love and appreciate others who I think are better than me, and not to feel bad about myself if I feel I am not good enough.

He helps to humble me and see others as better than myself if I wrongly believe I am better than others.

He takes what is good in me and makes it better, He helps me to overcome the things in myself which are not good, which I cannot change by my own efforts.

He helps me to remain faithful to God by avoiding sin and forgiving me when I sin.

Sin is an unpopular word, it upsets people. It upsets people who don’t believe it exists more than it upsets Christians because we know God is love and forgives us for our sins through our relationship with Him and the Sacraments.

Another way we refer to sin is bondage, as in sin is like a trap. We get trapped when we sin, even if we only do it once, but when it is a habit and so much of a habit that it’s like a part of our personality it becomes even more of a trap.

Jesus says:

“I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

I am free through my relationship with truth, Jesus. I can now live an authentic life by following His way, and sharing in His life.

I believed the lies about myself and others for most of my life, that we are not worthy of love. That people are rubbish.

I believed the lie that God doesn’t exist or care about us. That people who believe in God need to because of emotional and intellectual immaturity, or because of strong cultural influences.

I believed the lie that sin doesn’t exist, so I couldn’t be set free from the trap and healed.

I came to know Jesus, even as an unbaptised atheist, firstly by reading the Bible.

“Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

I did not believe the words of the Bible straight away, but I returned to it. I understand much more of the Bible now because of my union with Jesus Christ in prayer and through the sacraments.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

True to His word, fourteen years after I first tried to seek understanding by reading the Bible, I did see that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life.

If I had been baptised as an infant, raised in the faith, received the sacraments etc. then I could have had the faith, hope and love I experience now in my authentic life with Christ, but like so many my parents didn’t have the life themselves to pass on to me.

That is why I am so grateful to God that I have failed and suffered in my life, because if I hadn’t then I would not have needed to seek the truth nor recognised my need to change for the better.

I hope my fellow truth seekers will also be set free by the life that Jesus invites us to share in.

You're more than entitled

In the book of Exodus, chapter twenty, the seventh commandment is:

“You shall not steal”

It is wrong to take what is not ours, and it is an injustice to have something taken from us which rightfully belongs to us.

When I started reading newspapers aged around eleven I was horrified by inequality and poverty and often had deep feelings of guilt about being from a wealthy part of the world. Mum always said I had the guilt of a Catholic. Thank God, I now have the forgiveness to clean up the guilt.

I felt similarly about more abstract privileges, like having a loving family, or access to free healthcare. I often felt for people who didn’t have the good things which I did have, but I also felt bad about myself because of this.

The seventh commandment helps us love others, and as I said in my previous Blog post, wisdom says we are to love others as we love ourselves.

So, feeling bad in this way couldn’t lead to a greater love and service of others. Though I had hit on an important, God-given inspiration by recognising that inequality which causes unnecessary suffering is unfair.

In January 2014 I was sitting by a river in Australia reflecting on entitlement. Somebody had said to me that the root of anger was often a sense of entitlement. I was considering this and could see that often people become angry because they feel they have been deprived of something they are entitled to. It is that same injustice that we experience when something is stolen.

Me by a river in Townsville, Australia in 2014 in the weeks after I first saw God.

Away with the clenched fist!

At that time, I considered myself to be a worthless burden. I did not feel particularly entitled to a lot and thought the world would be better off without me.

Yet there were certain privileges which I assumed all people should have, and this was in part why I felt so guilty about inequality in the world. At twenty-three I felt as strongly as I did at eleven, that I did not deserve good things if some people are deprived of them.

In part my conscience was rationally responding to inequality, but this did not lead to good action for me. When I had done voluntary work in the past I felt disempowered and depressed afterwards.

I often left voluntary posts feeling more despair, because even if we were doing some small good, it never seemed to address the deep inequality and injustice that some lives are far more comfortable and privileged than others. The people were still suffering.

I believed I didn’t deserve a better chance in life than anybody else and couldn’t reconcile that even though I had better chances in some respects, I still managed to fail at everything, which led to me feeling even more worthless.

Even when I wasn’t ruminating on negative thoughts, I ultimately believed deep down that I was worthless, that life was hopeless, and inequality an insurmountable problem. It felt as though I lived a life of staving off inevitable despair with moments of happiness and lies of false hope which never proved fruitful, and clearly didn’t apply to everyone.
Simply avoiding these thoughts to vacuously go about life keeping fit or saying positive affirmations wasn't going to resolve these deeply painful beliefs.

My speculations by the Ross River ended suddenly and ultimately quite mysteriously.
I’d love to give a neat, analytical conclusion to my ruminations on the bench, but I can’t. I concluded that nobody is entitled to anything and- scales fell from my eyes- I suddenly saw God! In the river, the trees, and the light around me.
All of the natural world became alive in a new way- I could see a creator in the creation! I had a numinous experience.

I felt a kind of deep peace, which I had never experienced before because of this revelation that God exists.

I wasn't experiencing deep despair at the moment I had the revelation, I was sitting thoughtfully by a river. Though I had often experienced life-threatening despair when I was depressed previously.
It was not as though I needed to believe in God at that moment for any anthropological reason to find a reason to live. I did not deceive myself into believing something for an emotional leg-up, I realised God actually exists.

What liberation! I was finally free- I was not entitled to anything, and neither was anybody else. That meant I was not responsible for what other people don’t have! I could finally forgive myself for the good things I have and accept them with gratitude.

The revelation of God’s existence didn’t turn me immediately into a Christian- you must be having a laugh- This was 26 months before my baptism and I had a way to go before I knew God well enough to be baptised.

I could finally pursue and know the truth- God- and stop stumbling, trying to understand the world with empty philosophies or trying to heal myself through exhausting efforts and lifestyle changes.

The ultimate problem with what I believed in that moment of revelation- that nobody is entitled to anything- is that it is not entirely true. So, although that feeling of liberation because I was no longer burdened by guilt was quite a relief, the good and enduring truth which has stayed with me and gives me hope, worth and purpose is the thing that followed (my wrong analytical conclusion about entitlement) ... the true liberation and peace came from the realisation that God exists. 

Which is something God just decided to give me, nothing to do with the analysis.

People are entitled to things. Even if you think that people aren’t entitled to material things, most people will concede that people are entitled to other things.

For example- people are entitled to physical autonomy because if they aren’t then things like sexual abuse and murder aren’t wrong.

People are entitled to food and medicine or they die and suffer unnecessarily.

We could even say people are entitled to things like kindness or basic respect because if not then we would not have happy relationships and would ultimately destroy each other through hatred.

The angry response when we see deprivation can be frustration about genuine injustice, it is not necessarily the angry entitlement people feel because they have a silver spoon in their mouth.

It is wrong that there is inequality in our world, it is unjust when people are deprived of necessary things like food, medical care or safety through no fault of their own. It is wrong when people have anything which they are entitled to taken from them... even non-essential things.

Now I am a Christian my sense of self worth comes from knowing all people are made in the image of God, and life is sacred. It is not in my success or how others see me that gives value to my life, or I would be as depressed as ever. I'd love to help the poor through my work and produce my own litany of Saints through a happy family home but I haven't managed it yet.

Knowing Jesus already saved the world, so I don’t have to, is quite a relief. I don't just ignore the suffering world, I do what I reasonably can and I especially ensure I pray as much as I can for others, especially anybody I know in need.

God gives me hope, His promises are for this life and beyond. I know certainly that I have self-worth and a purpose even when I could make a good case that I don't based only on materialistic reasoning.

How does this have anything to do with stealing?

To have what is rightfully ours taken from us is an injustice.

In the Gospel of John, chapter ten, verse ten, Jesus says:

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

What does Jesus mean by the fullness of life? Do we have the fullness of life? If we don't are we being deprived of life? What has deprived us of life?

All my life I really wanted to do a job where I help people- journalist, lawyer, occupational therapist, carer… whatever. As long as I helped others. I also wanted to have my own family.

At the age of thirty I find I have nothing and I've been exhausted by the efforts of my life. I didn’t even get a degree which was like a rite of passage for most people of my generation. I’ve done about thirty jobs, none of which particularly helped anybody and haven't even kissed or dated a man for eight years which I think isn't how you make babies.

Yet I don’t feel I lack anything, I believe, in my nothingness, that I have the fullness of life. It would be nice to be less of a failure, and to do better in the world but if I found out I was dying tomorrow I’d be quite happy to go to God, unaccomplished, as it were.

I am not now deprived of the one good we are all entitled to first and foremost- God. In God we have all that we are really entitled to. You see it in the poor when you know them personally, rather than pitying them from afar. Seeing the faith and joy of the poor in the midst of grief and deprivation is inspiring and strangely life-giving. From our ivory palaces we can wrongly think that the privilege of riches is better than the simple goodness of faith, hope and love.

What deprivation I didn’t see in my life growing up. For years I lived without hope, self-worth or  a purpose in life. Yet we are entitled to hope and peace, and to recognise our true worth.

As far as I can tell I was deprived of these things initially by ideas, because they kept me from knowing God and avoiding sin.

My wrong beliefs about life, the world and myself prevented me from seeing the goodness of life in a deeper way. Without God the goodness of life is so shallow because creation is as temporary as a Spring flower. It comes and goes so quickly and it's goodness is soon forgotten. I could hope in the things of the world only for so long, or to a certain extent, before the ultimate existential meaningless led me back to despair.

Earlier in John’s Gospel, Jesus says

“All who have come before me are thieves and robbers… I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.”

All the ideas, theories, analysis, etc. of the world that came before Jesus to sell me a meaningful life proved untrue or, at best, limited. The false hope these ideas offered robbed me of what could have been mine if I had known the truth.

The way I ensure I am not deprived of the good things of God anymore is by taking what Jesus offers all of us- and that is salvation.

I accept God by going to Him in prayer and by turning from my wrong beliefs and behaviour, because of my faith in Him. I know He is real and I trust He is good.

In order to open my hands to receive my inheritance from God I still have to let go of what keeps me from Him. This is very painful at times, if I can't see God's goodness somewhere it's usually because I'm holding on to something which I think is good or true but isn't.

If I find I have an opinion that is depriving me of some good thing I know God wants then I give that opinion to God, often this has meant I let go of something completely.

This relationship with God is how I am able to have nothing and still have the fullness of life. I appreciate the good things of the world like work and family but don’t need them to be fulfilled. I accept from God the life He has given me, the difficulties He has allowed in my life, including all my failures and shortcomings.

I trust Him with all the needy people I seem incapable of assisting personally, and pray for them wholeheartedly, knowing that God loves them and hears my prayers for them. Knowing that He is just, even when the world is not. Knowing that nothing is wasted if we give it to Him.

One of my least favourite expressions is “I’m entitled to my opinion” it is often said belligerently and is a reason blocker in a conversation.

I get frustrated when I can see someone holds an opinion which keeps them from God.

It is the worst deprivation I can think of- it is the most despicable theft to be deprived of eternal happiness for the sake of an opinion. Usually some odious justification for sin which was pooed out of the bowels of Hell to make souls precious to God too stinky for Sainthood.

Yes, we are entitled to hold and share our opinions in this society, at this time.

Maybe you’re like me. You might find as you let go of the opinions that keep you from God that you are entitled to more than an opinion. The God I know says we’re entitled to everlasting joy, hope and love, starting right now by having a personal friendship with Him.

I let go of bitter sarcasm, mistrust, sexual depravity, addictions and despair for that?

I will not allow myself to be deprived of the Heavenly fortune by the thief who seeks only to kill and destroy. I’m taking my inheritance now and going to the Heavenly banquet and getting a Princess crown when I meet my King. Nothing else will do.

May the reader be sure I will not deprive you of prayer tonight, as I kneel to say goodnight to God I will say one for you too.

Let God bless you! He wants to.

Not having sex

One of the most controversial topics of Christian life because of how it clashes with popular secular ideas is sexuality.

This makes the sixth commandment a point of contention; even when it isn’t directly discussed, it can leave unspoken hostility between Christians and non-Christians.

I have reflected on and compared my life as a liberal, sexually active Atheist and my life as a celibate Christian.

The sixth Commandment in Deuteronomy, chapter five:

“You shall not commit adultery”

As with last weeks “Thou shalt not kill” Jesus takes us deeper. He says not only is sexual infidelity wrong, but sexually objectifying another person in our thoughts is wrong. From Matthew's Gospel, chapter five:

“You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

This commandment tells us that we should be chaste. It refers specifically to our attitude towards others because it is one of the seven commandments which helps us to love others, as we love ourselves.

As we are expected to love others as we love ourselves, we are also expected to be chaste for our own sake. Our attitude to ourselves becomes our attitude to others, we love them and treat them in the way that we love and treat ourselves.

Chastity is one of those words which sounds almost dirty it is so unfashionable, like temperance or prudence. Who wants to say that chastity is good when it sounds so revolting? It is a word that leaves people with the impression that whoever is seriously using it must be a self-righteous, old-fashioned hypocrite. Which is clearly not true in the case of the Blog Author, that statement is half true at most.

Unfortunately, I am dissatisfied by all available synonyms for chastity, I even Googled it. Quite progressive research for someone as old-fashioned as I am. No- there is no alternative, I will be using the word chastity.

I am going further and saying not only the word but that I think that chastity is good. I am going further still by saying that in my experience celibacy which sounds, if it were possible, even uglier than chastity, is also good.

Chastity refers to behaviours outside sex too. Only today I had a conversation with some friends who said that only two of our five fruit and veg a day are supposed to be fruit because of the sugar in fruit, and I said sometimes mine is closer to eleven a day, and three in a week might be veg.

It is easy to convince myself fruit is a healthy snack and overdo it, but by the second punnet you hate yourself like it’s cake. This is because the greed is bad, not because of what the fruit is. It is disordered to eat anything when it is unnecessary, and too much of a good thing soon becomes bad as we know.

In this fruity indulgence I am fooling myself in order to satisfy my selfish desire, my greed. Similarly, it is easy to convince ourselves that we should satisfy our lust when we want sex. Or to misuse friendships when we are lonely or desire a deeper connection with another person by making the relationship something it shouldn’t be. This is often what leads people to cheat, but it is also the genesis of other unhealthy romantic relationships which don’t involve marriage. People break the sixth commandment when they take something good, like sex, and misuse it to satisfy their selfish desires like their lust or vanity.

Dressing chastely during the Pandemic

I am much happier as a celibate Christian than when I was sexually active, even though I enjoyed having sex. (Well, most of the time…)

Is it possible to enjoy something yet live without it? Yes. Maybe I could be a single Christian and have sex too? No.
Glad we’ve cleared that up.

Before I believed in God, I believed humans were just conscious animals and that there was no life after death. So, I believed when a human dies their personality dies with their consciousness and their entire being ceases to exist when the human body disintegrates.

This understanding meant I believed our purpose could only be found by looking at our physical existence. As animals in a material world, that logically means our purpose is to stay alive and to create more creatures like ourselves, so the species continues to exist when we die.

This attitude makes life about physical survival. Our material needs are the most important needs with this attitude, and while this involves emotional and social needs these tend to be regarded as only secondary to physical needs. This anthropological attitude makes life about looking after myself as an individual creature (and dependants) through self-preservation, and survival of the species through procreation.

This attitude means that we think our ultimate end, our goal in life, is to mate. We are primarily just trying to create young and therefore need to be hooking up with people to have sex which will lead to that.

When I realised the Christian God exists, I learned that when the body dies the human soul still exists, and our bodies are reanimated at the resurrection when the soul and body are united again.

The fact that God and eternal life are real means I no longer think that our purpose as human beings is simply to survive. It also means that our physical needs are not the most important needs that a person has.

Our goal, or end purpose, dictates the choices we make. So, now that my goal is different for my life, my choices are different too.

If I want to make a cake, I buy things like flour and butter and follow a recipe that tells me how to combine them to reach my end. If I want cress from seeds, I plant them in soil, keep them in a suitable place and water them so they grow.

If I want to survive, I eat and look after all my body’s needs. If I want to reproduce, I find a suitable mate to have sex with so we can make creatures like us.

If I want to get to Heaven, I pray and try to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ who opened Heaven for creatures like us.

These beliefs we have can be automatic assumptions we have not thought about much, yet we might believe them quite strongly and people can become impassioned about these issues.

The beliefs can have a big impact on how we live our lives, because what we choose to do each day, to an extent, makes us who we are, as our choices and behaviours change us.

When I didn’t believe in God my ultimate end was not to get to Heaven, because I didn’t believe in such a thing, and the materialistic view I had of life determined my lifestyle choices.

Yet I gave up relationships with men in 2012, three years before I became a Christian, because I could see that these relationships were destroying my mental and emotional wellbeing.

I then ended up in a relationship with a woman for a year from 2013 when I first developed an attraction to women, which was also destructive, and I could see that I had lost a friend because our relationship had become something it should never have been. With the men I wasn’t usually friends with them beforehand, so didn’t have this clarity that the relationship had been something which could have been good, but which turned bad because of our bad choices.

I couldn’t understand as an atheist why relationships left me feeling so guilty and ashamed. I was doing what I had been told to do growing up by trying to live with people I intended to stay in a relationship with before making a commitment, it seems to make sense logically to know you’re compatible before formal commitment.

My conscience was very uneasy about how I felt because of these relationships, and as much as I missed the individuals, and the sex, when the relationships ended, I was also relieved when I was free from them.

Part of my historical and philosophical discernment about truth and God’s existence included analysis of my life experience and responding to the promptings of my conscience.

For example, I recognised the anthropological necessity for things like hope, honesty, and chastity (even celibacy) through analysing my life experiences. I came to this conclusion when I believed in a  Pantheist New-age type God, so nothing to do with Christian dogma which I didn’t want to adhere to, and I did not believe in sin.
My conclusions about the goodness of celibacy helped me on my journey towards the truth, and ultimately helped me when I consciously recognised the certain existence of objective evil- meaning “right and wrong” are not just opinions.

Though I did not give up romantic relationships because of Christianity, it is my relationship with God that is the reason I continue not to have romantic relationships on an ongoing basis.

I am trying to get to Heaven. I do believe I would be sinning against the sixth commandment if I had sex as an unmarried woman. This is not some meaningless rule that I don’t want to follow.

When we get in romantic relationships with people we usually make a commitment to them, so if someone else we fancy comes along we say no to that person, even if we are tempted, because of our commitment and respect for the person we are already with.

When I was baptised, I made a promise to God that I would be faithful to Him. I’m not going to disrespect Him and throw away the most important relationship of my life to satisfy my desires. Even when these desires are valid and normal physically and socially speaking.

One mistake some probably make when looking at my individual circumstances, as a woman who became a Christian, would be to presume that my Christianity forced celibacy on me. The assumption might understandably be that I must have been fascinated by Christian teaching because I am self-hating and now I have been deluded by archaic Christian ideology I am prevented from true freedom, and what I really want. Because all we really want is sex, right? Or is it?

Not really. I feel emotionally freer as a celibate Christian, it is still my choice what I do with my body. I didn’t really have that freedom before, I was enslaved to my passions and desires in a way I am not now because I can give them to God and He helps me and He also helps me with the social difficulties that can arise in relation to this.

I didn’t turn from romantic relationships because sex is bad in itself, but because I realised that I was mistaken in my understanding of intimacy and sex. I really trust and love this God who has discouraged me from having sex outside marriage, and there are lots of fair, logical arguments for being chaste (I didn’t say celibate!) even within marriage.

After all these years as a lonely celibate I find I’m not lonelier than when I was in relationships with other creatures because I now have an intimate relationship with God. Who is my ultimate end.

Go and read my previous blog post, which was a poem about union with God. I stated that being united to God in prayer is the best thing in life: “Better than sex”

Which I've been told is a quote from a Supernoodles advert... seems legit.

God bless and stay chaste.

Union with Christ poem

I was typing some of the poetry I wrote last year this evening and thought I'd post this poem here because of what this blog is.

What a beautiful place to kneel and be silent for hours so God can come.

This poem describes union with Christ. It is what I live for!

On my knees with Christ

His broken body is my soul

For silently I’m filled with light

And obtain that Holy goal

To be one with my Lord

And share His precious pain

In His heart I’m never bored

There is nothing I could gain

What more is there to here and now

Than shadows of the next

So to hang my head and bow

In silence is where my soul finds rest

When I persevere in prayer

And beg for full submission

God fills my soul with Holy light

This union is real living

Silent prayer is sometimes the most lively part of my day, because I feel God's presence within me in silence and it is the best.

Better than sex, better than doughnuts, better than poems on Blogs. You name it.

I am not a Theologian but I'm fairly confident "His broken body is my soul" might not be technically accurate but it alludes to the union of my human soul with Christ which is made more real through Holy Communion, so it's staying as I wrote it.

Like many others I am praying, confident and trusting, that God will work miracles because of His mercy.

We will be together to worship Him safely in His churches again soon, I'm sure. I hope many in this time will have had the privilege of experiencing God's presence in the silence and stillness of solitude.