Not having sex

One of the most controversial topics of Christian life because of how it clashes with popular secular ideas is sexuality.

This makes the sixth commandment a point of contention; even when it isn’t directly discussed, it can leave unspoken hostility between Christians and non-Christians.

I have reflected on and compared my life as a liberal, sexually active Atheist and my life as a celibate Christian.

The sixth Commandment in Deuteronomy, chapter five:

“You shall not commit adultery”

As with last weeks “Thou shalt not kill” Jesus takes us deeper. He says not only is sexual infidelity wrong, but sexually objectifying another person in our thoughts is wrong. From Matthew's Gospel, chapter five:

“You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

This commandment tells us that we should be chaste. It refers specifically to our attitude towards others because it is one of the seven commandments which helps us to love others, as we love ourselves.

As we are expected to love others as we love ourselves, we are also expected to be chaste for our own sake. Our attitude to ourselves becomes our attitude to others, we love them and treat them in the way that we love and treat ourselves.

Chastity is one of those words which sounds almost dirty it is so unfashionable, like temperance or prudence. Who wants to say that chastity is good when it sounds so revolting? It is a word that leaves people with the impression that whoever is seriously using it must be a self-righteous, old-fashioned hypocrite. Which is clearly not true in the case of the Blog Author, that statement is half true at most.

Unfortunately, I am dissatisfied by all available synonyms for chastity, I even Googled it. Quite progressive research for someone as old-fashioned as I am. No- there is no alternative, I will be using the word chastity.

I am going further and saying not only the word but that I think that chastity is good. I am going further still by saying that in my experience celibacy which sounds, if it were possible, even uglier than chastity, is also good.

Chastity refers to behaviours outside sex too. Only today I had a conversation with some friends who said that only two of our five fruit and veg a day are supposed to be fruit because of the sugar in fruit, and I said sometimes mine is closer to eleven a day, and three in a week might be veg.

It is easy to convince myself fruit is a healthy snack and overdo it, but by the second punnet you hate yourself like it’s cake. This is because the greed is bad, not because of what the fruit is. It is disordered to eat anything when it is unnecessary, and too much of a good thing soon becomes bad as we know.

In this fruity indulgence I am fooling myself in order to satisfy my selfish desire, my greed. Similarly, it is easy to convince ourselves that we should satisfy our lust when we want sex. Or to misuse friendships when we are lonely or desire a deeper connection with another person by making the relationship something it shouldn’t be. This is often what leads people to cheat, but it is also the genesis of other unhealthy romantic relationships which don’t involve marriage. People break the sixth commandment when they take something good, like sex, and misuse it to satisfy their selfish desires like their lust or vanity.

Dressing chastely during the Pandemic

I am much happier as a celibate Christian than when I was sexually active, even though I enjoyed having sex. (Well, most of the time…)

Is it possible to enjoy something yet live without it? Yes. Maybe I could be a single Christian and have sex too? No.
Glad we’ve cleared that up.

Before I believed in God, I believed humans were just conscious animals and that there was no life after death. So, I believed when a human dies their personality dies with their consciousness and their entire being ceases to exist when the human body disintegrates.

This understanding meant I believed our purpose could only be found by looking at our physical existence. As animals in a material world, that logically means our purpose is to stay alive and to create more creatures like ourselves, so the species continues to exist when we die.

This attitude makes life about physical survival. Our material needs are the most important needs with this attitude, and while this involves emotional and social needs these tend to be regarded as only secondary to physical needs. This anthropological attitude makes life about looking after myself as an individual creature (and dependants) through self-preservation, and survival of the species through procreation.

This attitude means that we think our ultimate end, our goal in life, is to mate. We are primarily just trying to create young and therefore need to be hooking up with people to have sex which will lead to that.

When I realised the Christian God exists, I learned that when the body dies the human soul still exists, and our bodies are reanimated at the resurrection when the soul and body are united again.

The fact that God and eternal life are real means I no longer think that our purpose as human beings is simply to survive. It also means that our physical needs are not the most important needs that a person has.

Our goal, or end purpose, dictates the choices we make. So, now that my goal is different for my life, my choices are different too.

If I want to make a cake, I buy things like flour and butter and follow a recipe that tells me how to combine them to reach my end. If I want cress from seeds, I plant them in soil, keep them in a suitable place and water them so they grow.

If I want to survive, I eat and look after all my body’s needs. If I want to reproduce, I find a suitable mate to have sex with so we can make creatures like us.

If I want to get to Heaven, I pray and try to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ who opened Heaven for creatures like us.

These beliefs we have can be automatic assumptions we have not thought about much, yet we might believe them quite strongly and people can become impassioned about these issues.

The beliefs can have a big impact on how we live our lives, because what we choose to do each day, to an extent, makes us who we are, as our choices and behaviours change us.

When I didn’t believe in God my ultimate end was not to get to Heaven, because I didn’t believe in such a thing, and the materialistic view I had of life determined my lifestyle choices.

Yet I gave up relationships with men in 2012, three years before I became a Christian, because I could see that these relationships were destroying my mental and emotional wellbeing.

I then ended up in a relationship with a woman for a year from 2013 when I first developed an attraction to women, which was also destructive, and I could see that I had lost a friend because our relationship had become something it should never have been. With the men I wasn’t usually friends with them beforehand, so didn’t have this clarity that the relationship had been something which could have been good, but which turned bad because of our bad choices.

I couldn’t understand as an atheist why relationships left me feeling so guilty and ashamed. I was doing what I had been told to do growing up by trying to live with people I intended to stay in a relationship with before making a commitment, it seems to make sense logically to know you’re compatible before formal commitment.

My conscience was very uneasy about how I felt because of these relationships, and as much as I missed the individuals, and the sex, when the relationships ended, I was also relieved when I was free from them.

Part of my historical and philosophical discernment about truth and God’s existence included analysis of my life experience and responding to the promptings of my conscience.

For example, I recognised the anthropological necessity for things like hope, honesty, and chastity (even celibacy) through analysing my life experiences. I came to this conclusion when I believed in a  Pantheist New-age type God, so nothing to do with Christian dogma which I didn’t want to adhere to, and I did not believe in sin.
My conclusions about the goodness of celibacy helped me on my journey towards the truth, and ultimately helped me when I consciously recognised the certain existence of objective evil- meaning “right and wrong” are not just opinions.

Though I did not give up romantic relationships because of Christianity, it is my relationship with God that is the reason I continue not to have romantic relationships on an ongoing basis.

I am trying to get to Heaven. I do believe I would be sinning against the sixth commandment if I had sex as an unmarried woman. This is not some meaningless rule that I don’t want to follow.

When we get in romantic relationships with people we usually make a commitment to them, so if someone else we fancy comes along we say no to that person, even if we are tempted, because of our commitment and respect for the person we are already with.

When I was baptised, I made a promise to God that I would be faithful to Him. I’m not going to disrespect Him and throw away the most important relationship of my life to satisfy my desires. Even when these desires are valid and normal physically and socially speaking.

One mistake some probably make when looking at my individual circumstances, as a woman who became a Christian, would be to presume that my Christianity forced celibacy on me. The assumption might understandably be that I must have been fascinated by Christian teaching because I am self-hating and now I have been deluded by archaic Christian ideology I am prevented from true freedom, and what I really want. Because all we really want is sex, right? Or is it?

Not really. I feel emotionally freer as a celibate Christian, it is still my choice what I do with my body. I didn’t really have that freedom before, I was enslaved to my passions and desires in a way I am not now because I can give them to God and He helps me and He also helps me with the social difficulties that can arise in relation to this.

I didn’t turn from romantic relationships because sex is bad in itself, but because I realised that I was mistaken in my understanding of intimacy and sex. I really trust and love this God who has discouraged me from having sex outside marriage, and there are lots of fair, logical arguments for being chaste (I didn’t say celibate!) even within marriage.

After all these years as a lonely celibate I find I’m not lonelier than when I was in relationships with other creatures because I now have an intimate relationship with God. Who is my ultimate end.

Go and read my previous blog post, which was a poem about union with God. I stated that being united to God in prayer is the best thing in life: “Better than sex”

Which I've been told is a quote from a Supernoodles advert... seems legit.

God bless and stay chaste.