Wednesday 29 April 2020

Hate Expectations




The fifth commandment, the same in Exodus chapter twenty and Deuteronomy chapter five, is:

“You shall not kill.”

Jesus raises the bar for His followers with this one. In the Gospel of Matthew, chapter five, He says:

“You have heard that it was said to the men of old, “You shall not kill and whoever kills shall be liable to judgement.” But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgement.”

In this teaching Jesus tells us that even being angry with others is sinning against the fifth commandment.

Some might object to this teaching where anger or dislike are understandable, or negative feelings seem to be out of our control, but, as with my other posts about the ten commandments, I want to focus on one thing I have done which has helped me keep this commandment, so I am not going much into the reasoning behind the commandment.

I wasn’t trying to keep this commandment when I gave up complaining for Lent- I think this must have been in 2016- which was the year I was baptised but ultimately giving up complaining has helped me to keep this commandment.

Before I became a Christian, I spent years trying to be better through thought, feeling and behavioural exercises, largely through introspection, analysis and acts of self-discipline. Some therapeutic practices I attempted for years involved recognising and labelling thoughts in order to improve my wellbeing. These practices also involved emotional awareness and recognising and changing unhelpful behaviour.
These methods did not make me happy, but the practice of self-awareness and habit of recognising and labelling thoughts as they occur helped me when I gave up complaining.

I quickly recognised complaints as they came into my head so I was able to reject them. Sometimes I could see that my complaint was not valid and revealed some sin, but the recognition alone meant I could distract myself from the thought, and so rejected the complaint to get out of the negative habit and keep my promise to God for the season of Lent.

My belief when I gave up complaining was probably that complaints are always unjustifiable, so I should stop. I have only recently realised this is probably extreme, but the practice of giving up complaining has helped me.

As I believed that complaining was not the right thing to do, and could see that giving it up was helping me to be more charitable towards others, I continued this effort to never complain, even in my private thoughts when Lent was over. Meaning I've been trying to live this way for about four years.

I found one of the hardest times to remain faithful to this discipline is when speaking to someone with a complaint. My immediate attitude towards another person is one of desiring to affirm them so they feel good and happy. When people complain they are looking for validation for something and I have never found a way of successfully validating a person who is complaining (whether I agree or not) without:
  1. Being dragged into the complaint
  2. Inadvertently upsetting the person because I refuse to enter their complaint, usually by changing the subject or not responding at all
  3. Causing actual anger by trying to posit an alternative to their complaint; for example, I might speculate charitably about why a person said something which hurt someone else and the complainant usually feels invalidated and sometimes even attacked because of this
  4. The complainant wrongly believing I am agreeing with them through my effort to listen and provide a neutral acknowledgement of what they’re saying in order to validate them and problem solve if relevant, but without complaining.

The question of how to socialise without complaining remains unanswered by me at this juncture, I will just have to take up complaining again if I wish to keep people happy.

I have learned a valuable lesson about anger through this different outlook. I found when people try to engage me in a complaint, one common underlying reason is because they have/had an expectation of another person/institution/ideology/plan etc. and that expectation hasn’t been met. So they feel angry because their expectation was not met- the old expression “great expectations, great disappointments” comes to mind.
Anger is one response to the disappointment, I am speculating about anger directed at other people in these circumstances. In their anger sometimes the complainant then seek out someone else to validate how they feel, they might want them to listen and usually join their complaining. I think they want the person to agree partly for validation but also so they can bond over these negative feelings.

Expectation-Disappointment-Anger-Complaint-Please don’t call Ciara

This was helpful to recognise as these complaints usually involved criticising another person. Putting others down is against love and therefore against God. I found often the complainant had unreasonable expectations, or had allowed themselves to be scandalised by toxic media or some other dubious influence and so I didn't agree with their complaint anyway.

So, my recognition and rejection of joining in these kinds of complaints is something which I would like to try to continue to do, at least in certain circumstances, even if I soften my “no complaints” rule.

Lots of people are complaining at the present time about the toxicity of journalism and the media, and rightly so. It is toxic, but it is that way partly because the gross media is popular- it gives people complaint fodder. People love getting together to complain about the things they hear in the Press, especially when it involves scapegoating some public figure or unpopular institution.

One thing which was rife in my pre-Christian life was bonding over putting others down. It is a cancer of our culture and I was guilty of putting myself and others down to try and gain acceptance from others and make people laugh.

It reminds me of chapter 23 in the Gospel of Luke, St. Luke includes in his version of the Passion of Jesus that King Herod and Pontius Pilate become friends, even though they had been enemies, and they bond over their abuse of Jesus- the scapegoat.

It is interesting that Jesus says whoever is angry at another is “liable to judgement” that means that there are consequences for our anger.

One reason I say this is interesting is because often feelings of anger at another person can be the result of our judgements of them. Someone said or did something once and we characterise them in that way because we've judged them.

Jesus famously taught us to treat others as we would like to be treated, see in chapter seven of Matthew’s Gospel.
This means we can expect the treatment we give to others. So, if we want to be judged and for people to be angry or spiteful towards us when we let people down, then that makes the complainant attitude I’ve described towards others acceptable.
If we would rather people forgive us when we make mistakes, then we need to try and forgive disappointments and let go of our anger.

It can be quite hard not to get dragged into peoples complaints of others, and sometimes people are angry for very understandable reasons, but in those situations it usually hurts the angry person to feel the way they do, so it's not a loving thing to encourage this in people.

In the expectation-disappointment scenario my own anger is not that difficult to check because I don’t expect much from people and think I'm more inclined to turn anger inward, which is just as bad, but not what I'm reflecting on here.

If someone mistreats me or lets me down I try to take the view of St. Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians when he says:

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”

It is not the naïve belief that there is no malice in another person, but it is the charitable acceptance that bad things happen and sometimes they involve me. Life and people can be unfair and disappointing.

As a Christian I am aware of my own part in other people’s disappointments- I know I am a sinner and have hurt people in my life, I have let people down, and so gladly realise that I’m not in a position to put others down as I am guilty of the same.
With this acceptance of our collective human weakness, myself included, I have an inner peace and greater love for others, meaning it is easy for me to avoid feeling or remaining angry towards others.

God wants us to be interdependent on each other to an extent, and that reliance on others means we have to expect certain things from people. Therefore, sometimes when expectations are not met we will be let down, which can be disappointing.

As I’ve concluded that it does not seem reasonable to live a life completely devoid of complaints and disappointment, it is necessary to have a solution for these experiences to prevent myself falling into sins against love. Breaking the fifth commandment is a sin against love, especially love of other people, and is therefore against the teaching of Jesus.

Lovely Jesus, helping us to have peace and not be angry or judgemental.


When I feel I have a valid complaint or feel disappointment I give it to Jesus Christ by speaking to Him in prayer.

I also have to accept that sometimes I complain and feel disappointed and I’m being unreasonable, and that can be quite difficult to accept, but when I recognise this and I feel bad I turn to God then too.
He cares about how I feel in all these situations and through my prayers- my conversation with Him- Jesus helps me to overcome negative feelings, love people and keep the fifth commandment.

If this Blog post is not what you expected, why don’t you give it to Jesus and keep your complaints to yourself?
If you tell me, as stated previously, I will not know how the Hell to deal with your complaint. Can’t remember why I left customer service nine years ago…


Wednesday 22 April 2020

You're just like your Father




This Wednesday I am reflecting on the fourth of the ten commandments, which is:

“Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.”

From the book of Exodus, chapter twenty.

In the second chapter of St. Luke’s Gospel there is an unusual account of Jesus as a young man. We know about His birth because it is well documented and His life from the age of thirty but there is only one story about Jesus as a 12/13 year old boy in the Bible and I would encourage everybody to read it. It ends with the words:

“…and he was obedient to them” which refers to Jesus obeying His parents- St. Joseph and the Virgin Mary.

This is the first commandment which relates directly to our love of other people. The first three help us love and respect God, and the next seven commandments help us to love and respect others.

A few years ago, I watched the film “Mr. Smith goes to Washington” for the first time in years. I loved old films as a teenager but haven’t watched TV or films much as an adult.



There is an early scene where Mr. Smith himself is bashfully (*bashful is a far superior adjective to shy, let’s steal it from the Americans please) being flattered by a Senator who was a friend of Smith’s recently deceased Father. The Senator says the phrase “You’re just like your Father” to Smith and to my absolute astonishment, bashful Smith responds: “Thank you, Sir”.

What on earth.

Recent photograph of my poor Mother with some awful old cat

Recent photograph of my unfortunate Father and rabbit companions

I grew up hearing “You’re just like your Father” from Mum and “You’re just like your Mother” from Dad. In neither instance would I have said “Thank you” and if I had, it would have been grossly inappropriate, so probably would have raised an eyebrow from the offending Parent.


Child with penchant for cycling and rainbow specs, clearly nothing like them


To be clear, my parents don’t have habits of putting each other down, even though they separated when I was six, so this was not said in disgust or serious dislike.

At best, my own Parents might say “You’re just like your…” with a kind of affectionate despair, a furrowed brow and slow headshake to accompany it. With a kind of fondness for the creature, even if it is awful like some other awful creature they love.


What do you mean I'm just like my Father?


What is clear though, is my parents didn’t mean it in the way the Senator said it to the wide-eyed, naive Smith. The way my Parents said this expression suggested I inherited some of the other parent’s bad habits- because I obviously didn’t get it from them.



Were you talking to that guy?


We do pick up bad habits from our parents, parent-like figures and anybody we admire- because if we like someone we often want to emulate the things we like about them.

With our parents though we are usually like them without trying to be. We are created by our parents and inevitably like them. We call God Our Father in the Christian faith and parents are like God in the sense that they create life- they bring a human person with a body and soul into the world when they have a child.

It is not a throw away relationship which means nothing if it is difficult, because you can just adopt another parent, but there are surrogate parents in the world who do a better job than birth parents. It is necessary sometimes that we have role models who are not our birth parents.

Jesus Himself had a surrogate Parent in St. Joseph, because He was conceived in the Virgin Mary’s womb by the Holy Spirit and had no human Father. St. Joseph was already engaged to Mary and chose to stay with her to help her raise Jesus as his own son.

I pray to St. Joseph every day- he is one of three Saints I pray to every morning along with St. Patrick and St. Anthony of Padua. I describe Joseph the first of my fathers in the faith because he is the first Patron after the Virgin who I go to, I call him Papa or Joseph.


Or that guy?


Being “Just like my Father” as in my unfortunate, earthly Father is not the end of the world. Some ways I resemble him are good and some ways I resemble him are bad. He could have kept the perfectly square feet, for example.

As a Christian convert my new life takes me far away from how I was raised. My Father is an unbaptised antitheist, so although my parents are good people who I rightly love and respect I cannot be like them completely because it would be impossible for me to follow my parents example and follow Jesus.

St. Joseph says nothing in the Bible, and we don’t have any direct teaching from him because he wrote nothing down that we know of. Yet I speak to him every day in prayer and He speaks to God the Father for me. So, Joseph is helping me primarily through my relationship with him. Like when a young child goes to their Parents for help, so my infantile nickname of Papa is perfect for him because he is helping me like a parent helps a young child.

Mary is our Mother in Heaven too. When Jesus is dying on the cross, he says to St. John, who is standing by the cross with Mary, that John and Mary should look after each other. He calls John Mary’s son, and Mary John’s Mother. The tradition teaches that John is all of us, he is symbolic of all people and we are all supposed to treat Mary like a Mum.

Every day we look at Jesus and try to be like Him. In Luke’s Gospel it says “He went down with his parents and was obedient…” First he went to his parents, then listened to them and did as they asked because of his love and trust for them. God the Father trusted these two remarkable people with the care of Jesus, His son.

My view is that as Jesus Himself went first to Mary and Joseph, so should we.
As we make them our spiritual parents, we will become like them through our relationship with them. Jesus would have been like His parents too- He looked like his Mother Mary, He did the trade His Father taught him.
Yet before Jesus started preaching at thirty Joseph had already died, and Mary couldn’t stop him dying on the cross. She had to stand by and watch her son suffer, and He had to watch her suffering with Him, knowing how much that hurt her.

They were human with limitations, and invaluable to Jesus. He would not have had the life He did without them. They had a place in time and space, like all of us, and they did well to look after Him.

When Jesus died, he released souls who had died before Him, like Joseph, and Heaven was opened for everybody. We can know that many people who have died are already with God because of answered prayers and miracles that prove this. This teaching is why Catholics pray to Saints.
We can rely on praying to God the Father when everyone and everything in the world seems to let us down, we can always turn to Him. We are not alone with God, even if His presence is not obvious to us.


Oh come on, you must be thinking of my ugly brother?


We can be bold when we approach God and know that He cares about us and hears us. He is not without humans in Heaven now that Jesus has unlocked it, and the people in Heaven can hear us and help us to pray. They are still able to pray for us, just as Christians pray for each other in this life and they want to pray for us.

I go to the Virgin Mary and St. Joseph first in all my needs when I ask for help in prayer because I know that's what Jesus wants me to do. I am honouring His parents when I do so and becoming more like the Heavenly Father whose image we are all made in.

Though I don’t really mind being like my creature parents (I promise) it’s not fair that I get the gift of faith, hope and love from God when they are stuck in uncertainty in the world.

Would the reader help to rectify this injustice and pray for my poor Mother and “come to Papa” (pray to Joseph) for my unfortunate Father? Can you imagine they've put up with me for thirty years and still love me? Yes, they need your prayers.

Please come to the Holy Family with me. If they help me with everything, they will help you too!


I found a couple of prayer cards. If I'm really just like my Father, this might be my only hope.




Wednesday 15 April 2020

The Perpetual Sacrifice




The third commandment is about keeping the Sabbath day Holy:

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it Holy. Six days you shall labour, and do all your work; but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; in it you shall not do any work."

Jesus says:

"The Sabbath day was made for man, not man for the Sabbath; so the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath."

As I am writing about the third commandment during the Easter octave- so during the feast of Easter- I am thinking about the “feast” of the resurrection, which we keep every Sunday in the Church.

The feast of Easter is an octave, so a week long including the Sundays, or eight days, as the name suggests. The Catechism of the Catholic Church say that Sunday is the eighth day and the first, which makes sense as a week is seven days long.
I like this idea of Sunday being the first and the last day of the week, because Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega- the beginning and the end. Sunday being the Lord’s day and Jesus being the Lord, that seems satisfyingly fitting.

Easter is one of the biggest feasts for Christians because we are celebrating the fact that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead. This is not something insignificant or ordinary for anybody who recognises it is true. The resurrection is relevant to us personally when we know how this changes the meaning of our lives, and our destiny.

If Jesus was brought back to life from the dead then this is something extraordinary, and Christians have teachings further to this which give us cause to celebrate the fact that this really happened. Namely, that as we follow Jesus, we too will be resurrected from the dead.

Through Lent, Easter themed treats are available in shops, even though it is a time of fasting in preparation for Easter. Yet during the festival- or feasting- season of Easter they disappear from shops because the secular view is that Easter is a bank holiday weekend where people eat hot cross buns and chocolate and it’s all over Tuesday morning when they go back to work.

So, the Godless sugar-pushers capitalise on Easter in the lead up to the bank holiday. Similar to Advent, when excess of food, shopping and other pleasures are ritual preparation for Christmas though it is supposed to be a time to reflect spiritually and abstain, preparing for the feast of Christmas, when we celebrate God coming into the world. The whole of Christmastide is then ignored after New Year’s Day, which is a secular celebration marking the end of the holiday season for most.

For Christians who are living the Liturgy of the Church however Eastertide, the season, lasts 50 days, till the celebration of Pentecost. Easter Sunday is just the beginning! This makes Eastertide a longer Holy season than Lent and Advent, which are 40 days long.

Eastertide is a special time of year and a good opportunity to think about the resurrection of Jesus in a meaningful way, but every Sunday we have a mini-Easter when we gather for the Sunday Eucharist in our churches.

Christians keep Sunday as the day to fulfil the third commandment given by God because, as Christians who are not expected to keep the law given to the Jewish people, we are remembering the fact that Jesus rose from the dead on that day while meeting other Christians to worship God together, and taking the rest which is necessary for us.
From the early days of the Christian community it was a day which was set aside with a deliberate thought to honour the fact that Jesus came back from the dead on that day of the week.

In keeping one day a week aside for the public worship of God and resting from work, we are being obedient to the instruction given to “His people” by God. As Christians we are also God’s people but, unlike the Jews, we become God’s by following Jesus, and that is why we do not keep the Sabbath in the same way as the Jewish people.

Christians should still keep the ten commandments because they came from God, not man, but the changes in the way this commandment is kept is a part of religious practice which Christ made new for us.

Jesus completion of the Jewish law does not mean we do not need to go to Church. His completion of the law doesn’t mean the end of any formal religious practice. Some people think that going to Church is an optional extra, depending on how you feel or your opinion, but they are not following His example, as He was faithful to the practice of His religion and Christianity is a religion.

Even when going to Mass is hard I always know, with confidence, that it is a good and worthwhile use of my time. This is because of a firm trust I have in God and a desire to show Him the love I have for Him.
My trust in God means I trust in the Church, therefore I trust in the teaching that we should go to Sunday Mass every week unless we have a legitimate reason not to. This is trusting in God, not a man-made institution.
My belief is that Jesus Christ lived, died and was resurrected from the dead. When He was resurrected He left His disciples with a mission, they were continuing His work under the power of the Holy Spirit sent after His ascension; the Apostles continued His mission by starting a religion, a Church.

If we think of the resurrection and take to heart how this impacts us personally it changes us. By take it to heart I mean that the belief has a deep and enduring meaning, so much so that it becomes a part of us, it transforms us to be more focused on God, more sacrificial and generous in love.

This heartfelt belief in the resurrection helps people who love God to keep the third commandment, because the promise of God, that we have eternal life because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, gives us a desire to worship God.
Think about it- if someone saves you, don't you feel grateful? If you were stranded by the side of the road in the dark, pouring with rain, and someone comes along and relieves you of the discomfort and difficulty you're in they have in a sense saved you- isn't that a relief? Wouldn't you be grateful and happy to see that person?
God did this for all people- for eternity. That's the equivalent of being saved by someone who can guarantee you won't break down, or be inconvenienced by inclement weather or darkness again.
Yet it's even better because Jesus saved us from all the evil that there is, all bad things will be utterly destroyed, and He is so generous that He gives us a choice to follow Him or not. He is not a controlling dictator ordering us into a warm, dry car if we would rather suffer.

People who want to follow this generous Jesus and be with Him, want to know Him better now, which we can through going to Church. We also want to be with other Christians who are also trying to follow Jesus, and to share our love for God with each other.


Those of us with time alone this Easter should find it easier than usual to spend time with God in prayer and spiritual reading because there are not as many legitimate (or inane) distractions to take our attention away.

While I live a contemplative way of life anyway I am still hoping to spend more time with Jesus in prayer this Eastertide, and hope anyone who reads this Blog post will join me.
It may require some sacrifice. I will read the last few chapters of all four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Each of them tells us different things about the resurrection of Jesus, and as it’s possible to read all accounts in one day, to read them in fifty days is easy.

Meditating on the scriptures and praying while thinking about these events will help me to comprehend this promise I trust in, that I too will be resurrected and follow Jesus to Paradise one day.

I think one of the best things we can do to see the value of the Sunday Eucharist is to meditate on the Glorious mysteries of the Holy Rosary.

Let’s think about the first and second mysteries. They are the resurrection and the ascension.
To meditate on Jesus being resurrected from the dead, first reading the Bible passages about them can be a good way of imagining the events. My favourite is John's account.
Let’s ask Our Lady, the Holy women who were present at the passion and resurrection, and the Apostles who started the Church to pray for us; they will assist us in our love of God.

If we think about what literally happened and why, and meditate silently on that, God will reveal His love for us. His love for us is irresistible! Once tasted you will be rushing to receive Him again when the churches are open.
We should think about the ascension too; that day when Jesus went up to the Father again from the hillside, leaving His followers with a message of peace and a promise of the Holy Spirit. A promise that He would be with us always, which He is, even literally speaking in the Blessed Sacrament.

We, as Christians, can enter into this mystery when we take it to heart.
If someone insults you and you “take it to heart” it really hurts, sometimes it can change our view of ourselves it hurts so much. If you believe you're ugly because someone said that to you once, even if you ignored hundreds of times other people said you're beautiful, then you know what I mean.
If someone compliments you and feel better about yourself, you have taken that to heart too, and it gives you confidence because you feel better about yourself, so we can take good things to heart and be changed by them too.
I think a greater sign of love than a kind word (not to say they're not nice sometimes) is someone wanting to spend time with you. It is obvious when people seek out your company, and are relaxed or happy with you, that they respect and love you. That is what God wants us to feel for Him- and even what he wants us to feel for those awful Christians in His churches!

Jesus Christ wants you to take to heart the fact that He became man, died and came back from death to get you, because He’s madly in love with you. He loves you so much He even wants to be with you forever! I get it, it sounds too good to be true, hard to believe and hard to take to heart.
So we must, again, suffer a little as we did when we meditate on the passion of Jesus. We must suffer that little cross of boredom, confusion and disbelief when we try to persevere in prayer, or later when we feel uncomfortable or bored at Church.
Let's persevere in getting to know Jesus better, so that we can be comfortable and happy in His presence, and we will want to be with Him. There will be no difficulty or uncertainty about keeping the third commandment then, we will take every opportunity to keep it. Maybe going to Church more often, because when we take to heart the eternal love of God we enter eternity now, love in return, and become a living part of that eternal love.

It is hard at times to be a Christian, but it will all be worth it in the end. Well, if you do it really well then not only will it be worthwhile but there is no end…
(thankfully I didn’t mean to the Blog post, I mean the worthwhile part of life is eternal)

This was a hard post to write at the moment. I couldn't think or speak about this completely openly because of the separation from the celebration of the Mass, due to cancellation during the Pandemic.
Like many other Christians who love God and want to worship Him, and be with others who love God, I am finding this a very painful separation.

While I am so grateful to God for mine and my family’s well-being I also feel keenly this separation from God and would encourage that, as well as prayers for those affected by the Coronavirus, and all current difficult circumstances, to remember to pray for the practice of our religion too, which is a necessary part of our lives as spiritual creatures.

Below is a poem I wrote last year. I was struggling to stop myself going to Mass every day, as my circumstances didn't really permit me to do so, yet I was so captivated by the deep meaning of the Mass and the beauty of the Liturgy that I found it hard to resist.

While I was writing the poem I tried to console myself with the fact that it is a perpetual sacrifice and I don't need to be present to be a part of it, as I am in the mystical body of Christ. Though I still felt I could not resist being present, so I went daily anyway.
It seems that mood is one I should meditate on again now, as we do not have the privilege of going even on Sundays to be with the Lord, let alone every day.

The Perpetual Sacrifice (read and repeat)

During the Communion rite
At the Holy Sacrifice
Jesus Christ is crucified
With His offering we give
All people who've ever lived
Happy Heathens, the devout,
Sickly sorts, the down and out.
Sincere hearts have union,
Dead or alive, through Him.
We give ourselves if we are bold.
Knowing we are in the fold,
And loving separated souls.
The Host is held up high so we
May gaze upon His mystery.
The Lord lays the table each day
And feeds us with His body, by grace.
So, guests like me are bound to say
"I am not worthy of these gifts!"
Yet even if my focus drifts
I trust God to forgive my sins,
Open my mouth and let Him in.
Given with His sacrifice,
Receiving too is very nice.
We have Communion through the Christ
During the Communion rite
At the Holy Sacrifice
Jesus Christ is crucified.


The following prayer to Our Lady of the Holy Eucharist is a favourite Novena of mine.
Originally I cut it out of the Catholic Herald and stuck it above my prayer table in 2015, just before I joined RCIA.
It has led to miracles in answered prayer; I usually pray it for nine days and go to Mass each day, lighting a candle for the intention, but obviously can’t do that now.
These versions are digital prayer cards I have made, and anybody is welcome to use them and share them.

Please join me in praying this for all people, and for the Church.
Our Lady of the Holy Eucharist is always present at the Holy sacrifice of the Mass, just as she was at Calvary, so she will be whispering things to Our Lord which I'm sure will move His heart to a miracle for our ailing world.







Friday 10 April 2020

Good Friday Passion Portrait and Poem





Wednesday 8 April 2020

I swear this is true




As my Wednesday ten commandments reflections started with the first of the ten, it would clearly be barbaric not to continue in order. 

The second commandment, from the book of Deuteronomy, chapter five, verse eleven:

“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain”

As with the first, this second commandment helps us to respect and love God. Which is something Jesus teaches us to do.

St. Matthew writes beautifully about the teaching of Jesus in chapter five of his Gospel. It was one of my favourite chapters of the New Testament before I became a Christian. In chapter five, verses 33-37, Jesus says the following:

"Again, you have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, "You shall not swear falsely, but carry out the vows you have made to the Lord." But I say to you, Do not swear at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let your word be "Yes, Yes" or "No, No"; anything more than this comes from the evil one."

Sometimes this commandment is thought to forbid saying “Oh my God” or “Jesus” in a crude or thoughtless way, but as with all the teachings of the faith it is much deeper than that.
I want to get to the heart of the teaching, in order to touch on how and why this commandment has been important in my understanding of God, and consequently my day to day life.

In 2015 when I was looking for “the true church of Jesus Christ” as a Gospel and Country music fan I went to Pentecostal churches first. Nothing to do with theology, entirely to do with music.

I attended services at different churches, while researching and comparing beliefs between Christian denominations, and sought to improve my knowledge of the Bible.
So, I was reading a book by David Pawson called “Unlocking the Bible”-


I’m sorry I can’t recommend it because of the errors in his teaching. Some historical information was useful for me at the time, it gave more context to the books of the Bible, and the people behind the books.
I liked the way he spoke about some of his Pastoral and familial interactions; I’m sure he’s well-meaning, sincere and great fun at Parish BBQ’s. I no longer have a copy of this book to check information so I’m relying on my memory; please forgive any errors, I cannot directly quote the text.
David Pawson mentions people’s focus on God’s love and adds something like “But God is also Holy” and I was shocked to read this.

My God was still a semi-pantheistic, fairly distant, but apparently caring universe creator. I had never thought about the word holy before, and don’t think I thought about the word holy, as such, at that time. I was just amazed that God is Holy.

Holy wasn’t in my vocabulary. I was so foul mouthed that “Holy…*expletive deleted for the sanctity of our souls*” might have come out, but even that would have been soft for me.
Growing up with a materialist, secular view of life and the universe meant that it was a meaningless word, used in the context of religion, and so my early understanding of God though I felt awe and wonder at Him, I couldn’t have described why and couldn't recognise this as a response to His Holiness.

I never felt as alienated from God the Father as I did from Jesus, but I was following Jesus, and the knowledge that God is Holy linked with what the Mormon’s had taught me about Jesus in 2013- that Jesus was perfect.
My Dad was determined to stop me learning about religion by sending me to a Primary school further away than the local Church of England School which my best friend went to, but we had some Christianity in our Primary School anyway.
*I remember one year St. Paul’s did “Cinders” for their Christmas play and we did "Joseph and His Technicolour Dreamcoat"…
I have no memory of being taught that Jesus was perfect in school though.
Elvis clearly says Jesus is perfect in a famous quote from 1956, which I had stuck on my bedroom door as a teenager, but somehow even then it didn’t get through to me.
I didn’t pick it up from reading the Bible or the Gospel music I’ve always listened to. It wasn’t until the Mormons mentioned it that I was ready to hear that Jesus is perfect.

So, God is Holy. Jesus, the Holy one, was perfect. I am following Jesus, meaning I am trying to be like Him, therefore I must be holy too.
As I accepted that God is Holy, my attitude changed because I took this on board in a meaningful way, not through great efforts on my part.
This acceptance of His Holiness meant that as I searched for God’s Church, I was now looking for something else in the churches I went to, though I say that with hindsight. This thing I now sought was something which I eventually found most clearly lived out in the Mass- that is the reverence of God.
I needed something now in the language, the gestures and the attitude of the people present that says that God is Almighty- worthy to be praised, worthy to be honoured. The catchy music, relevant sermons and friendly people at the Evangelical churches were all lovely and good, but they were not enough.

At the beginning of this post the quote from Jesus included: 
"...But I say to you, Do not swear at all, either by Heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black..."

I included this because honouring God means honouring His name, the Holy land, or His Church and His people but it extends beyond that.
This loving respect for God that we have when we know He is Holy is the start, but because of His love for creation and for us, our respect has to extend beyond God the deity.
To live our lives as if everything is done in God is the greatest way to honour God’s Holy name, and the surest way of keeping this commandment.

Life itself is sacred and creation (that is the universe and all it contains) is God’s gift to us. The life we’ve been given was given by God, and the whole of creation was also given to us by this Holy God. Therefore, He wants us to appreciate what He has made because it came from Him.
When we see that everything is God-given it is easier to be respectful, and fulfil all that Jesus says in the Gospel of Matthew. We take life more seriously in a way, and so do not disrespect it.

How strange is this! We all grow up in trackies and jeans, watching TV, reading vile tabloids, looking at nonsense online, talking rubbish and in every way and most places life in the secular, modern world has become casual. It’s normal to go to dinner, or business meetings in casual clothes and speak to customers, bosses, the elderly… anybody, as if we are all on the same footing.

This is quite nice in a way, it could be a sign of an improved world, with greater humility and love, but I think it causes problems in our attitude towards one another. More so, because of how different God is from us, it causes difficulties in our relationship with Him too.

It could seem to modern ears like God asking to be honoured is a manifestation of Patriarchal egotism, an unnecessary subjugation of humanity, which puts us down. In fact, that is not true.
Even if the idea that God is far above us is something hard to grasp, He does not want us beneath or apart from Him in a way that deprives us of dignity. He loves us so much that He came into the world to walk among us, and He remains with us in the Holy Spirit, and in the Church.

The invitation to all people to join the Church is God’s way of inviting everybody into His heart. He wants to be with us- that is what I mean when I say we are in Him, or united to Him.
God is always going to be above us, because He is the creator and we are the creatures, but we are creatures made like Him, made to be like Him, and so to be Holy like Him. That is actually our purpose!
So, it’s not just possible for us to be Holy too, it is our destiny if we choose to accept it. We can be made Holy by following Jesus and uniting ourselves to Him through a life of prayer and the Sacraments of His Church.

From my experience, I would say that to live this second commandment sincerely starts when we know God is Holy, because we cannot disrespect God if we know and love the fact that He is Holy.
With this knowledge of God's goodness, when we also seek to be like Jesus, we are seeking to be united to God in such a way that we are made Holy, because through Jesus we become a part of God.

As a convert I tried to understand God intellectually and through changing my behaviour, that is turning from my sins. Then, through His Church, and the Sacraments of the Church, I have been united to this Holy God.
The seeking of God through mind, repentance, and the Sacraments is then an ongoing relationship until death. It is necessary for this to be an ongoing relationship because we are sinful, which means we find it difficult to be Holy, and impossible without God.


Little Saints with Scrooples cartoon, Part One



It is difficult to follow and seek to join with God if He is Holy, especially if we know we are not Holy. Yet, it has to be that way around, because we can only be made Holy in Him, we cannot do it on our own. So, we have to take steps towards God, to unite ourselves with Him through the Sacraments, in order to be in Him, so that we become like Him and are changed.

"Again, you have heard that is was said to those of ancient times, "You shall not swear falsely, but carry out the vows you made to the Lord... Let your word be "Yes, Yes" or "No, No"; anything more than this comes from the evil one."

While I am somewhat resolute, I am terrified of committing myself to things and of making mistakes. So, I was really tortured with doubt about joining the Catholic Church, even when I was convinced it was the true Church.
One fear I had was that I wasn’t ready, I was still too sinful so maybe I needed to change more before entering.

I was already following Christ as well as I could, I was seeking to give up all that displeased God, to accept anything that I saw was truly from God, and do all that was necessary to serve Him. Yet, I could see I was still sinful, still failing, and felt I wasn’t good enough to join Christ’s Church.
Thankfully God calls us by name, He knows I am pedantic and saw me researching the Saints. I was overwhelmed by all these Virgin Martyrs because I thought we were supposed to identify with our Confirmation Saint, and didn’t realise they are role models. Gladly I was praying the Rosary regularly and realised I had to choose the Virgin Mary as my Confirmation Saint because I was praying to her regularly already.
-Guess who taught me the Hail Mary when I was a teenager? Elvis. God bless him.

I did not choose Mary as my confirmation Saint because of my resemblance to her, she chose me because I needed to resemble her more. God let me share His Mother’s own Holy name, because at that time I was not someone willing to say “Yes” or “No” and the decision to join the Church was an important one. He wanted me to say “Yes!” and I wanted to, but I was scared of this Holy God and ashamed of my sinfulness.

Little Saints with Scrooples cartoon, Part Two


The questions the Priest asks at Baptism and Confirmation have answers like “Yes” and “I do”.
We swear to God, make promises to God. If I had not had the friendship of the Virgin Mary, and her example at the Annunciation, maybe my "Yes, I do" would have been a "No, I can't" or "Maybe later" through fear and insecurity.
Entering the Church was a necessary leap of faith specifically for me to keep this second commandment, because of the coarseness and irreverence which feels so natural to me; the grace I receive from God through the Sacraments of the Church and the practice of the Catholic faith are still necessary for me to keep a reverent attitude towards God and all that is Holy.

We become more perfect in this commandment through this life in preparation for eternal life, where we will be perfectly Holy and united to God, contemplating His Holiness for eternity.

If you want to keep the second commandment more perfectly too, I suggest meditating on God’s Holiness. Consider first the meaning of the word Holy, then think about the fact that this word describes God. I will do this too.

Then let's consider the good things God has created, and done in our lives, and the world. Think of these as proof of His love for us and hopefully we will love Him more because of these meditations.
As you and I grow in love of the good God whose name is Holy, and worthy to be praised, we will not want to misuse or abuse the one we love, or anyone, or anything we know He cares for.



Wednesday 1 April 2020

Pinch, Punch, the thirst of the fool





For the next ten Wednesdays my reflection will be based on one of the ten commandments, starting with the first. 

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before me…”
This is the first commandment as found in the book of Deuteronomy, chapter 5, verses 6-7.

This commandment was then described by God made man, with the words-
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
The Gospel of Matthew chapter 4, verse 10.

As it’s April Fools’ day, rather than a theological exegesis, which I am not qualified to expound, (I couldn’t say exegesis and not expound) my reflections today are examples of how both the breaking and keeping of this first of the ten commandments of God, given to Moses on Mount Horeb, have made a fool of me.


Whether you know me personally or not it’s worth acknowledging something relevant to this post- I am very zealous. Whatever I have loved or been interested in, I have been passionately consumed by, often to the point where my life becomes unbalanced.

From the age of about twelve I was obsessively fanatic about Elvis Presley. He was my God!

Every inch of my room was lined with his pictures, I looked for traces of him in everything I read or watched, or did. I used the timeline of his life as a reference for everything- that happened 100 years before Elvis was born, a year after he died, that historic event coincides with the release of that album etc. even when it came to remembering my own family’s birthdays, I used events from Elvis’s life as a reference.
I thought he was the perfect looking man, and all other men were only as good looking as they were in reference to how closely they resembled Elvis.

On his birthday, death day, and other key events from his life, I would wear Elvis badges to school, watch movies or listen to relevant albums on particular days.
In the summer holidays, on his death day, I would refuse any other activity, except to keep vigil indoors, watching Elvis documentaries or movies. I wore Elvis clothes and accessories, had an Elvis stamp collection, several vintage magazine collections, all his movies, all the vinyl I could find in the antique shops of Kingston, made scrap books, and I think you get the idea.

Totally obsessed, to the point of looking like a complete fool. Sometimes I would be ridiculed by my peers for this, especially given the ignominy of his death. Many people clearly thought I was a weirdo, and I didn’t care.

I had a deep, all-consuming love for Elvis Presley, which was expressed in my overzealous, obsessive behaviour. It was my sincere response to how I felt for someone I was worshipping. I might have used terms like ‘worship’ and ‘idol’ to describe this relationship but being irreligious I did not consider myself to be doing anything wrong, even though in some ways this intense fascination caused me to become a bit of a social pariah.

If I didn’t get my Elvis fix, I’d feel more stressed- his songs soothed me, his face cheered me up. If I was deprived of this too long, I felt a kind of longing. A need to worship at the spinning altar of wax- my record player. He satisfied some desire in me that was only partially touched by other pleasures I had in my life.

As I became a Christian in my mid-twenties I saw the error of my ways with my love for the powerless, human Elvis- no matter how lovely Elvis was, he was not God and should not have been worshipped. I was guilty of idolatry. So, I painfully turned away from my idol, to worship God.


One of few surviving Elvis portraits I painted, circa 2011.
I painted and drew Elvis thousands of times and destroyed or discarded the pictures I still had when I became a Christian. This one survived on my Mother's bookshelf and is now in her spare room.


In my ignorance about the truth, and trying to satisfy my desire for worship, which all human beings have, I took what could have been normal enjoyment for a popular entertainer and made it into something evil. Elvis was just a pop star and a man. A man who said himself that he didn’t even like to be called “King” because for him there was only one King- and that is Christ.

Breaking the first commandment made a fool of me.

Fast forward fifteen years and I, somewhat reluctantly, accept that I am now the same with Jesus.
Having happily been a fool for the love of Elvis, it’s no surprise that I am even more willing to be a fool for the love of God. Given that God is not a deceased pop star, but the be all and end all, that nothing else is. He is our creator and our true King.

Now I know that I need to worship- and who I need to worship. Why not throw myself into it with that same alacrity? Great word, let’s bring it back.

I have come to know God better, over time, through prayer, reading the Bible and being a member of a Church; especially being with other Christians and through the Sacraments.
As I came to love Him more through this relationship, I didn’t see at first the same fervour that I have displayed for my previous obsessional desires. I was so lost in God that I wasn’t thinking about it.

Though I was not surprised when I gradually realised that my desire for God had become excessive, and that in practice I was becoming overzealous. There was a sort of “I’m doing it again” acknowledgement of my human weakness.

Our Catholic faith teaches that disorder is the result of sin, and as my excess was creating disorder in my life I could know, without naming it, that my sinfulness was causing me to be overzealous.
My zeal for God could be a good thing, but in my human weakness I had made It a bad thing and so I needed to change.

I will spare you detailed self-analysis but as I examine my conscience every day I am used to recognising my sinfulness and addressing it, so it is ordinary in a way to see my sinfulness and try to correct it.
Essentially I do this by identifying the problem (sin) and then remedying it (reading, praying for and with contrition to God, and the sacrament of reconciliation/confession)
So, I am not confessing, I have addressed this problem as best I can but at the point that the Corona pandemic caused all of us to retreat to our homes, I had not had much chance to live a life of zealous love without overzealous fanaticism.

It has been difficult to address this and in fact, at the time of writing, I have failed to overcome this.
Please know that I am sorry to the reader, and to the Lord, that I am not yet a Saint. I would not recommend allowing zeal to make a fool of you, if you can prevent it from doing so.

I have been through the seven deadly sins countless times with this one, and find I’m guilty of them all. I have acknowledged too that I have a fear that this might be the last chance to go to Mass, Adoration etc. but, given that I don’t fear death because that will mean union with the Beloved I long for, that too falls short of explaining my longing for the Lord.

God is not a worldly pleasure and I don’t mean to draw a parallel to something so beneath Him by comparing him with my past obsessions, especially those which kept me from Him, like my idolatry.
Yet, there is a satisfaction to be had in the practice of the faith which is similar to the satisfaction for pleasure, but it's even deeper, sometimes imperceptible and clearly sustains me. In the same way that I needed to be with the things which reminded me of Elvis, so too I have the desire to be with Jesus- but with Jesus I am truly with Him in the church.

I love God as well as I can, as a sinner, with all my heart, mind and soul. I miss him during this time when I can’t practice my religion in the Churches where the Blessed Sacrament reposes and the Mass is celebrated.

Our desire for God is described as a thirst in the Psalms- a thirsting for the Lord.
When I express this to people I expect ridicule, whether I get it or not. I feel foolish saying how much I love God and the Mass. I am worried, even around other devout people who I know feel the same way, what they may think.
Maybe I’m always thinking of the Milk Float episode of Father Ted where the Priest hilariously says he “loves the Mass” cheerfully and we used to fall about laughing?

Although I have a good life with many opportunities before me, every day I think of the next time I can kneel before the Blessed Sacrament in praise.
My hope for my life is in Heaven and the resurrection, which we will soon be celebrating at Easter, but we have little things we hope for in life, along the way.

My hope for my life, before the joy of death when I can be with God, is bound up in the moment, at the consecration during the Communion rite of the Mass, when the host is raised. With joyful anticipation I hope and think of that moment every day in isolation.




I hope because I trust I will be kneeling before God again, as He is made present to us through the ministry of the Priest. When I think of that moment- how I love Him. That He comes to us in that way and is remaining with us until He comes again.
I have written reams of poetry about God and much of it is based around my love of the Mass and that sacred moment; because I am a fool in love I go to Mass daily if I can, not without guilt, and it is always the highlight of my day.
Many probably think that means my life is empty and meaningless, not realising that I have the fullness of life, and I’m sorry for their sake if they don’t too.

During this time of deprivation, because of the self-isolation and cancellation of Mass, Confession and all public acts of worship, I hope God will correct any way my zeal may not be properly ordered for the building up of His church and the sanctity of my own soul.

Being human and doing the best I can, I can only continue to love and serve the Lord as well as I can in the way I know how. For me, that is to be enthusiastic and in some ways dramatically romantic, yet also clinically practical. What are women? Why am I one of them? Aren’t we fantastic?

There is room for a zealot like me to be Holy and love God. I trust Him and, by His grace, and through prayer, the teaching of the Church, the Saints and the Sacraments (when we are allowed to partake of them again) I know my love of God, even without the fanaticism, may invite ridicule and at times I will be treated like I am a fool. Just for being a practising Catholic, sans sinful insanity.

In those instances, just keeping this first commandment of God makes me a fool in the eyes of the world. During times when I want human respect and feel I would rather not be a fool for my love of God, I meditate on the third sorrowful mystery of the Holy Rosary.

Jesus was crowned with thorns, he was spat on, called names, mocked, stripped naked, beaten and humiliated and he allowed it; quietly accepting what was happening to Him, and He loved the people who made a fool of Him.
If I ever manage to stop making a fool of myself (see Blog, not looking too promising) and I find I am still a fool for the Lord, may I accept the crown of thorns with as much joy and love as I accept His body, blood, soul and divinity at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, because that ridicule and humiliation is part of following Jesus too.

At least I can have peace that it is the keeping, not the breaking, of the first commandment that is making a fool of me.

In the words of a beautiful Country ballad-
“The things they’re saying may be true, but there’s something they can’t see. If I’m a fool for loving you, then that’s just what I want to be…”


The longing fool with companions, Bogart and Luna. Elvis cup on the bedside table, of course.


Oh God, you are my God, for you I long. Like a dry, weary clown without laughter…